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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.153.232.46
Posted on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 - 02:58 pm:   

I've written a DFL short short in the last half hour, the first for a while:
http://weirdmonger.blogspot.com/2009/08/tea-and-biscuits.html
(I'm having a break from reviewing for a while)
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Carolinec (Carolinec)
Username: Carolinec

Registered: 06-2009
Posted From: 82.38.75.85
Posted on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 - 05:35 pm:   

Great to see you doing these again, Des. Whilst I enjoy your reviews, I must admit I enjoy your short stories more!

I particularly liked this line:
"A fear of eternity within a dream, let me tell those of you who are unaware of this fact, is the greatest fear of all."

For some reason, your description of candle dreams followed by this line chilled me to the bone.

A great story - touching, beautiful and chilling. Just my kind of DFL story!
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.153.232.46
Posted on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 - 09:20 pm:   

That's very kind of you, Caroline. Thanks.
It was a mere flibbetygibbet. :-)
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Mark_lynch (Mark_lynch)
Username: Mark_lynch

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 217.171.129.68
Posted on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 - 09:24 pm:   

Weirdly I can't open that blog link on my phone, yet I can get to your rolling reviews via the yonder other link, Des. I shall read via another net access point, fear not. Or fear!
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.153.232.46
Posted on Friday, August 14, 2009 - 03:44 pm:   

I hope you got through to it, in the end.

And also, please don't balme me - as someone has off-line - for having a 'candle dream' after reading my piece. But, still, not too many complaints, I expect, because, by having a candle dream in the first place, you probably died in your sleep in any event. So I doubt if the person who complained to me had a candle dream at all.
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Tony (Tony)
Username: Tony

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 86.164.133.230
Posted on Saturday, August 15, 2009 - 09:26 am:   

Is this a real phenomena? It sounds akin to my trying to read a book in my mind's eye, seeing words form a bit then struggle. It looks like a page but isn't. Try it; it's very disturbing.
I love ordinary, old fashioned cafes, btw.
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Mark_lynch (Mark_lynch)
Username: Mark_lynch

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 217.171.129.68
Posted on Saturday, August 15, 2009 - 10:30 am:   

Read it now, Des. Most intriguing. I enjoyed. And like Tony, I'd be interested to know if you made the definition and name up.

Also, well done for not doing the four candles gag, courtesy of the Two Ronnies.
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Gary Fry (Gary_fry)
Username: Gary_fry

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 86.26.90.161
Posted on Saturday, August 15, 2009 - 11:53 am:   

Got any O's?
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Mark_lynch (Mark_lynch)
Username: Mark_lynch

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 217.171.129.71
Posted on Saturday, August 15, 2009 - 12:23 pm:   

I think it was a Louise Welsh book that started with 'four candles' burning ina room. You just have to laugh...
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.153.232.46
Posted on Saturday, August 15, 2009 - 12:35 pm:   

What four candles joke?

But to answer Tony - nobody knows whether the phenomenon is based on fact, becuase nobody ever comes back from dreaming a candle dream.
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Carolinec (Carolinec)
Username: Carolinec

Registered: 06-2009
Posted From: 82.38.75.85
Posted on Saturday, August 15, 2009 - 01:25 pm:   

>>What four candles joke?<<

It's a classic Two Ronnies sketch, Des. Man goes into hardware shop asking for "four candles". Shopkeeper mistakes what he says for "fork handles". I wonder if there's a clip on YouTube?
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Mark_lynch (Mark_lynch)
Username: Mark_lynch

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 217.171.129.72
Posted on Saturday, August 15, 2009 - 01:52 pm:   

Shame on you not knowing that, Desmond. Four comedy points deducted from Griffyndor.
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.153.232.46
Posted on Saturday, August 15, 2009 - 07:24 pm:   

Nope, not heard that joke before. Thanks for well-needed enlightenment.
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Simon Bestwick (Simon_b)
Username: Simon_b

Registered: 10-2008
Posted From: 86.24.165.182
Posted on Saturday, August 15, 2009 - 07:47 pm:   

Des and Caroline:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cz2-ukrd2VQ
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Carolinec (Carolinec)
Username: Carolinec

Registered: 06-2009
Posted From: 82.38.75.85
Posted on Saturday, August 15, 2009 - 07:50 pm:   

I was just about to post that link too, Simon!

In fact, I got it the wrong way round, didn't I? He asks for "fork handles" and gets "four candles". Anyway, it's a brilliant sketch in its full glory. You must watch this, Des (much better than the way I tell 'em).
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.153.232.46
Posted on Saturday, August 15, 2009 - 08:20 pm:   

Brilliant. Thanx.
I never really liked The Two Ronnies, but they do get better with the perspective of age. Did they really have shops like that in 1976?
And have you got any other lynx?
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Gary Fry (Gary_fry)
Username: Gary_fry

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 86.26.90.161
Posted on Saturday, August 15, 2009 - 08:46 pm:   

Greatest comedy moment for Ronnie Barker was the sketch in which he tried to remember a round of drinks while growing increasingly pissed as he did so. Genius.

He wrote a lot of them, too, you know.

Oh, that Cliff Richard was Knighted, and Barker wasn't . . . what a world.
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Carolinec (Carolinec)
Username: Carolinec

Registered: 06-2009
Posted From: 82.38.75.85
Posted on Saturday, August 15, 2009 - 09:40 pm:   

>>Did they really have shops like that in 1976?<<

Believe it or not, they still do in some places. The hubby and I were in one very much like that in Grassington, North Yorkshire a few months ago. It was like stepping back in time. We spent ages looking round - just like old times!
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Carolinec (Carolinec)
Username: Carolinec

Registered: 06-2009
Posted From: 82.38.75.85
Posted on Saturday, August 15, 2009 - 10:36 pm:   

Right folks, I've just had a good chuckle looking around YouTube for a few classic 2 Ronnies sketches. Try these:

Mastermind - Specialist subject: answering the question before last
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xq8ZnQ95cKk

News at Ten (mis-spelt)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNg7XrkteII&feature=fvw

Water, water
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQhNNwZhhlg&feature=related
(sad to see a very ill-looking Ronnie Barker introducing this particular sketch, not long before he died of course)

Father of the bride
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iZhQBbrUOQ&feature=related

How to build a garden shed
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfBkDlm0gI4&feature=related

How to get married
(couldn't resist posting this one - very un-PC, but hilarious!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_bN_sBTpyc&feature=related

And one of my all-time favourites:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NT9QlBwov8Y&feature=related

Enjoy!
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Steve Jensen (Stevej)
Username: Stevej

Registered: 07-2009
Posted From: 82.0.77.233
Posted on Saturday, August 15, 2009 - 11:03 pm:   

Wonderful stuff, Caroline Just like Des's story.
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.153.232.46
Posted on Saturday, August 15, 2009 - 11:47 pm:   

Short Short = Ronnie Corbett

Thanks Steve and Caroline. :-)
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.153.232.46
Posted on Sunday, August 16, 2009 - 10:32 am:   

An even shorter short short:
http://weirdmonger.blog-city.com/a_candle_dream.htm
A sequel to the first?
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Gary Fry (Gary_fry)
Username: Gary_fry

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 86.26.90.161
Posted on Sunday, August 16, 2009 - 10:36 am:   

That Mastermind sketch was written by David Renwick, the genius author of ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE.
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Gary Fry (Gary_fry)
Username: Gary_fry

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 86.26.90.161
Posted on Sunday, August 16, 2009 - 10:37 am:   

Ah, this is Barker's finest hour: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vcrs5Z7S-oM&feature=related

Brilliant.
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Gary Fry (Gary_fry)
Username: Gary_fry

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 86.26.90.161
Posted on Sunday, August 16, 2009 - 10:39 am:   

And (hey, aren't I a mine of useless info?) this sketch was written by a young man called John Sullivan . . . who went on to write something called ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5c4uMaJKt_g&feature=PlayList&p=F8CD5F7BA358DBC7&p laynext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=4
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.153.232.46
Posted on Sunday, August 16, 2009 - 01:19 pm:   

I've never watched ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES. Is it any good?

I understand one of the actors lives in a road or two away fom me. (A black actor).
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Gary Fry (Gary_fry)
Username: Gary_fry

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 86.26.90.161
Posted on Sunday, August 16, 2009 - 02:44 pm:   

Denzil, maybe?

OFaH is coarse, inconsistent, frequently hilarious and at times extremely moving. A great show.
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.153.232.46
Posted on Sunday, August 16, 2009 - 03:00 pm:   

Yes, Denzil, that's name I remember. The actor has frequented the pub I frequent.
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Gary Fry (Gary_fry)
Username: Gary_fry

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 86.26.90.161
Posted on Sunday, August 16, 2009 - 03:16 pm:   

Good actor. He's been in quite a few classy indie stuff.
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.153.232.46
Posted on Monday, August 17, 2009 - 01:17 pm:   

Thanks, Gary. I'll tell him when I see him.

Meanwhile:
http://weirdmonger.blog-city.com/the_art_of_caring_for_candledreamers.htm
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Carolinec (Carolinec)
Username: Carolinec

Registered: 06-2009
Posted From: 82.38.75.85
Posted on Thursday, August 20, 2009 - 10:05 pm:   

I enjoyed those two shorts too, Des - thanks. Isn't "The Art .." more of a prequel than a sequel? I guess it depends on the way you look at it!

Gary - loved those two Two Ronnies sketches as well. I didn't realise you were so knowledgable on comedy writing too!
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Craig (Craig)
Username: Craig

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 75.5.2.125
Posted on Thursday, August 20, 2009 - 11:58 pm:   

5 word horror stories with 1 word titles - go!

RECOILING by Craig Schwartz
"The ghost looked like me."
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Mick Curtis (Mick)
Username: Mick

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 86.177.173.198
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 12:15 am:   

HORROR by Mick Curtis
"The ghost looked like Craig".
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Carolinec (Carolinec)
Username: Carolinec

Registered: 06-2009
Posted From: 82.38.75.85
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 12:43 am:   

>>HORROR by Mick Curtis
"The ghost looked like Craig".<<

That truly would be horror!
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Craig (Craig)
Username: Craig

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 75.16.78.66
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 04:29 am:   

CORPSEF*CKER by Craig Schwartz
" 'It's hurting now,' said Mick."
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Craig (Craig)
Username: Craig

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 75.16.78.66
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 04:31 am:   

COLLATERAL by Craig Schwartz
"Caroline's eyeballs decided to escape."
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Gary Fry (Gary_fry)
Username: Gary_fry

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 86.26.90.161
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 08:21 am:   

Caroline, I love sit-com! As a kid I was obsessed by then. Watched them all, cream and crap alike.
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Gary Fry (Gary_fry)
Username: Gary_fry

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 86.26.90.161
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 08:22 am:   

TEMPLATES by Gary Fry
"Craig Schwartz will now discuss."
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Joel (Joel)
Username: Joel

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 217.37.199.45
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 01:25 pm:   

ETERNITY by Joel Lane
"You get used to dying."
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Gary Fry (Gary_fry)
Username: Gary_fry

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 86.26.90.161
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 02:34 pm:   

BREVITY by Gary Fry
"Five words, you say?"
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Weber_gregston (Weber_gregston)
Username: Weber_gregston

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 194.176.105.47
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 02:40 pm:   

SELF_DELUSION

I'd never be that stupid
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Weber_gregston (Weber_gregston)
Username: Weber_gregston

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 194.176.105.47
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 03:02 pm:   

UNEXPECTED by WG

My eyeballs tasted sooooo good.
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.153.232.165
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 03:09 pm:   

DIARRHOEA
by DF Lewis

I've just blogged
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Gary Fry (Gary_fry)
Username: Gary_fry

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 86.26.90.161
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 03:10 pm:   

SECRET by Gary Fry
"The key to happiness is . . . "
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Gary Fry (Gary_fry)
Username: Gary_fry

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 86.26.90.161
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 03:11 pm:   

RALAN by Gary Fry
"10c/word, pro writer, me."
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Steve Jensen (Stevej)
Username: Stevej

Registered: 07-2009
Posted From: 82.0.77.233
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 03:25 pm:   

ENNUI by O. Forget-It...
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Joel (Joel)
Username: Joel

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 217.37.199.45
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 03:39 pm:   

That's not the story, Gary, that's the contract.
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Joel (Joel)
Username: Joel

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 217.37.199.45
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 03:41 pm:   

AFTERLIFE by Joel Lane
Still want to die. Bummer.
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Gary Fry (Gary_fry)
Username: Gary_fry

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 86.26.90.161
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 03:46 pm:   

AFTERLIFE by Gary Fry
"Getting sued by Stephen Volk"
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Weber_gregston (Weber_gregston)
Username: Weber_gregston

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 194.176.105.47
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 03:57 pm:   

Compulsion by Weber Gragston

This time's the last.

Honest.
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Craig (Craig)
Username: Craig

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 75.4.253.123
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 04:07 pm:   

AFTERLIFE (pt.II) by Craig Schwartz
"This Styx queue ever moving?..."
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Weber_gregston (Weber_gregston)
Username: Weber_gregston

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 194.176.105.47
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 04:38 pm:   

DISMEMBERING by me

He sits holding her hand.
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Weber_gregston (Weber_gregston)
Username: Weber_gregston

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 194.176.105.47
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 04:42 pm:   

PAIN by most men

She's using her teeth! Dammit!
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Craig (Craig)
Username: Craig

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 75.5.0.62
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 05:25 pm:   

WEBERSEXNACHT by Craig Schwartz

"The toilet plunger? Why - aaaaauugggghhh!"
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Weber_gregston (Weber_gregston)
Username: Weber_gregston

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 194.176.105.47
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 05:49 pm:   

CRAIGSEXNACHT by Weber

The Goat? the aubergines? Yippee!!!!
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Weber_gregston (Weber_gregston)
Username: Weber_gregston

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 194.176.105.47
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009 - 05:50 pm:   

If I'd been allowed 2 more words, there would have been a "Thanks mum!" at the end of that one...
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 81.155.31.72
Posted on Sunday, October 11, 2009 - 10:30 pm:   

A short short I wrote tonight called PIRATE. I do no want comments. I won't get any anyway. But you might enjoy it. :-)
http://weirdmonger.blogspot.com/2009/10/pirate.html
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Craig (Craig)
Username: Craig

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 75.16.84.201
Posted on Monday, October 12, 2009 - 02:40 am:   

Ha! I like that Des - even if you did change the ending....
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Zed (Gary_mc)
Username: Gary_mc

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 213.219.8.243
Posted on Monday, October 12, 2009 - 10:11 am:   

A wonderful bafflement of a story, Des...
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Thomasb (Thomasb)
Username: Thomasb

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 69.236.169.42
Posted on Monday, October 12, 2009 - 09:38 pm:   

I liked that. Atmospheric and enigmatic.
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 81.155.31.72
Posted on Monday, October 12, 2009 - 09:43 pm:   

Thanks you three! I'm delighted. :-)
If you like that one, I wrote another 'Pirate' short short today;
http://weirdmonger.blog-city.com/pirate_two.htm
In fact, there are a thousand of my short shorts on the internet.
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 81.155.31.72
Posted on Wednesday, October 14, 2009 - 11:50 am:   

Women with their backs to us.
A short short fiction with a link to the images that inspired it.
http://weirdmonger.blog-city.com/women_with_their_backs_to_us.htm
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Allybird (Allybird)
Username: Allybird

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 80.47.222.21
Posted on Wednesday, October 14, 2009 - 01:13 pm:   

All interesting, Des. I can think of dozens of reasons why those paintings exist.

Who are the artists?
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Karim Ghahwagi (Karim)
Username: Karim

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 217.10.20.129
Posted on Wednesday, October 14, 2009 - 01:14 pm:   

Des I saw some of Hammershøj's work in the flesh last week at the national museum- 'Artemis' is his most famous picture I guess. I liked your piece- and the collection of images.
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Allybird (Allybird)
Username: Allybird

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 80.47.222.21
Posted on Wednesday, October 14, 2009 - 01:18 pm:   

Ah -just spotted the artist...Vilhelm Hammershøi (1864 - 1916)
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Steve Jensen (Stevej)
Username: Stevej

Registered: 07-2009
Posted From: 82.0.77.233
Posted on Wednesday, October 14, 2009 - 01:26 pm:   

The paintings tell us more about men than they do about women.
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Carolinec (Carolinec)
Username: Carolinec

Registered: 06-2009
Posted From: 82.38.75.85
Posted on Wednesday, October 14, 2009 - 01:37 pm:   

I'm being slightly sceptical here and wondering if Hammershoi (sorry, can't do that funny letter thing) just couldn't paint faces very well! But those paintings certainly do evoke some emotions, and it definitely is unsettling if you can feel someone's eyes boring into the back of your head!

Super shorts, Des - as always.
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Steve Jensen (Stevej)
Username: Stevej

Registered: 07-2009
Posted From: 82.0.77.233
Posted on Wednesday, October 14, 2009 - 01:47 pm:   

Interesting to note that in the vast majority of the paintings Des posted, there are at least two doors depicted, some open, some closed:

http://www.ligotti.net/showthread.php?t=3497

I wonder if this is meant to symbolise something?
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 81.155.31.72
Posted on Wednesday, October 14, 2009 - 03:05 pm:   

Des I saw some of Hammershøj's work in the flesh last week at the national museum- 'Artemis' is his most famous picture I guess.
=================
Thanks, Karim.
In a very fat book called "1001 Paintings You Must See Before You Die", the Hammershøj shown is the last one in my grouping - called 'Interior' (1898).
I believe he has been compared to Vermeer...another favourite painter of mine.
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 81.155.107.1
Posted on Thursday, October 29, 2009 - 08:42 pm:   

My new short short.
I don't think there has been a pillowghost in fiction before. Please correct me
if I'm wrong:
http://weirdmonger.blog-city.com/pillowghost.htm
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 81.155.107.1
Posted on Friday, October 30, 2009 - 10:46 am:   

Before the above was posted yesterday, there was genuinely not a single hit on 'Google' for 'pillowghost' spelt as one word. Which seems very strange in view of its resonance with 'poltergeist'
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 81.155.107.1
Posted on Sunday, November 01, 2009 - 12:40 pm:   

'In The Post-War City': http://www.ligotti.net/showthread.php?p=32883
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.152.176.232
Posted on Friday, November 06, 2009 - 09:12 pm:   

'The Weathering' http://weirdmonger.blogspot.com/2009/11/weathering.html
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.152.176.232
Posted on Saturday, November 07, 2009 - 01:02 pm:   

A short-short today as sequel to yesterday's:

POWDERGHOST (another new google word) :-)
http://weirdmonger.livejournal.com/2009/11/07/

Why don't we all write short-shorts today and link him here?
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.153.239.188
Posted on Thursday, December 03, 2009 - 12:22 am:   

New one: The Lost Balcony: http://www.ligotti.net/showthread.php?p=34808#post34808
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Chris_morris (Chris_morris)
Username: Chris_morris

Registered: 04-2008
Posted From: 98.220.97.79
Posted on Thursday, December 03, 2009 - 03:03 am:   

Non-supernatural fiction from me, fwiw.

"The Fountain"
http://tinyurl.com/y9rr5qt
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Zed (Gary_mc)
Username: Gary_mc

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 213.219.8.243
Posted on Thursday, December 03, 2009 - 11:42 am:   

Nice work, Chris.
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Karim Ghahwagi (Karim)
Username: Karim

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 80.196.50.16
Posted on Friday, December 04, 2009 - 12:19 am:   

Yes I liked the piece as well Chris. Also enjoyed Des's 'The Lost Balcony'
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.153.239.188
Posted on Friday, December 04, 2009 - 09:50 am:   

Thanks, Karim.
As well as the Last balcony, the Lost balcony and the Lust balcony, Daisy has now shown us the Liszt balcony here: http://www.ligotti.net/showthread.php?p=34856#post34856 :-)
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.153.238.132
Posted on Sunday, February 14, 2010 - 02:10 pm:   

Just written: Song of the River: http://weirdmonger.blogspot.com/2010/02/song-of-river.html
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.169.217.52
Posted on Saturday, March 20, 2010 - 06:00 pm:   

Two short shorts written yesterday and today:

Meat & Two Veg

The plate was empty. Like this page.

I knew that – soon – based on previous experience here, it would be full of meat & two veg. I’ve never known a cafe that simply plants a plate like that on the table and then has food dished up by the waitress piecemeal from saucepans on her trolley. Posh restaurants, maybe, do that, where a flaming piece of animal is often brought to the businessman’s trough, with a huge sizzling noise and billows of smoke. But never two-bit cafes like this one.

The waitress was done up as if she still lived in the past and travelled in Third Class carriages. Her saucepans steamed biliously like trains themselves. Her voice was in broken English, meaning she wasn’t even one of us. She told us about her troubles as she ladled the bits and bobs of tasselled bone in gravy. A thick accent that we could cut even with the blunt carving-knife that she then brought out to slice the still whole swede sweating nearby.

I nodded my head with my own version of small talk. My companion – a nondescript lass I’d met inside the cinema – merely tried to look pleased that I had taken her here for a meal. Going to see a continuous programme of 'Brief Encounter' and a B Film had left us with an appetite that would even salivate at soggy leavings in a plug-hole.

Soon, the plate was empty again. Every word eaten - & left a blank plot and nobody even to read it, let alone write it, if that was the right order.

Alone, I headed back towards the cinema – and now found it to be a car-park.

An empty car-park.


Handles

There was a collection of handles on the wall. To put any collections at all on walls was something I never understood at the best of times, like animal heads as trophies or various varieties of fork obtained for show rather than use. Forks with long or short tines. Forks more like garden implements than cutlery. And forks tuned for use between different purposes.

Paintings, of course, were fully intended to go on walls, to be viewed separately as well as cumulatively within the room’s context. Most paintings were framed to give some comfort zone between them and the room. Every room has its own context, you see. Some call that context atmosphere or decorative personality. A room with its own original or inherent quality as a living-space. Or a room whose very sense of existence as a room was force-fed by human intervention with such collections or other imposed alterations.

Well, all forks had handles. Except, of course, one variety of fork. A variety that had tines but no handle and called a Dunsany fork after its inventor. Often used in the old days as a childhood mouth-clamp to prevent irregular growth of the jaws. But more often used today – when fine-tuned – to sit as a specialist bridge on a violin.

So, on further reflection, it would be understandable to have the history of forks upon a wall, just for show, educative as well as visually aesthetic. More of a sculpture as art-installation than a painting, of course. Muck rakes, turnip snoflers, faggot forks (with just two wide-set prongs), dung probers, dock extractors and a species of fork that had two prongs but not so wide-set as the faggot fork, more about the distance between my eyes.

But to have on your wall just the forks’ handles or, now I'm thinking about it, the handles of many different implements, all without their business ends? That was slightly more eccentric than seemed acceptable, don’t you think?

He looked at me as if I were the mad one in broaching the subject at all. And he possibly feared that he was mad, too, in listening for as long as he had listened to me going on about collections on walls.

He was a Lord from the House. An Irish Lord of some standing. I had been invited for an audition as his potential biographer. I had taken my nerves in hand – as, like many writers, I was untutored in social skills – and arrived, brief-case in hand, full of proof statements as to my experience being a writer-up of lives, some dead, a few still living. The subject of wall-collections had arisen because I had commented upon the collection he had on his own wall. I treated the subject as a sort of ice-breaker.

“Handy things,” I said, nodding towards them. “How many have you got?”

“Three hundred around,” he said, in an irritated voice. I could read in his eyes that I was not going to get the job. I could go for broke.

“Are they all safes?” No answer. “With combinations?” No answer. “How do you remember all the codes?” No answer. “Are some of them pretend safes with nothing behind?”

I must have crossed some politeness threshold. I was shown the door.

I don’t suppose anyone ever wrote my biography. My memory now shrinking even as fast as I did myself. If not a biography, at least you have this very memento that is more than what most people get written up about themselves.

A memento of how I spent the rest of my days in the darkness picking at the lock from inside with my teeth.
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Chris_morris (Chris_morris)
Username: Chris_morris

Registered: 04-2008
Posted From: 12.165.240.116
Posted on Monday, March 22, 2010 - 03:10 pm:   

Good stuff, Des. I enjoyed both.
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 217.43.30.125
Posted on Sunday, April 11, 2010 - 04:34 pm:   

A new short short from me today
http://weirdmonger.blogspot.com/2010/04/i-am-going-to-have-another.html
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.145.36.248
Posted on Tuesday, April 27, 2010 - 10:48 pm:   

Now I'm dismantling the 'Weirdmonger Wheel', any new stuff I post on the internet is a reading aloud. Here is a new piece I wrote and read aloud today: http://www.filefactory.com/file/b156509/n/VN650342.WMA
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.168.160.85
Posted on Thursday, May 13, 2010 - 09:34 am:   

I wrote this:
http://weirdmonger.blogspot.com/2010/04/i-never-saw-him-coming.html
on 30 April, but now seems to me to be a metaphor of what happened with the hung parliament??
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 81.131.175.165
Posted on Saturday, June 05, 2010 - 01:14 pm:   

Just completed a new short short: Rock Choir
http://weirdmonger.blogspot.com/2010/06/rock-choir.html
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 81.131.175.165
Posted on Saturday, June 05, 2010 - 07:21 pm:   

It's about recent events in the news, perhaps.
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.152.176.45
Posted on Friday, June 18, 2010 - 03:29 pm:   

Did a speed-writing exercise called TWILIGHT last night at writer's group - and re-typed and slightly revised it here today:
http://weirdmonger.blog-city.com/twilight.htm
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.152.176.45
Posted on Monday, June 21, 2010 - 08:54 pm:   

I wrote a new short short today: MYSTERIOUS PLACE: http://weirdmonger.blogspot.com/2010/06/mysterious-place.html
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.152.176.45
Posted on Monday, June 21, 2010 - 10:45 pm:   

I've now put a link to all my short shorts so far in 2010
http://weirdmonger.blog-city.com/my_new_short_short_stories_in_2010_so_far.htm

Have you done any?
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Zed (Gary_mc)
Username: Gary_mc

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 81.96.240.106
Posted on Tuesday, June 22, 2010 - 12:03 am:   

Des, I loved "So". Beautiful stuff.
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 06-2008
Posted From: 86.152.176.45
Posted on Tuesday, June 22, 2010 - 09:01 am:   

Thanks, Zed.
I thought I should mention that 'So' is in the anthology 'Where The Heart is' (Gray Friar Press 2010). I have reviewed all the other stories and it's tuly a classic anthology. One that comes about every ten years or so, that will be remembered and feted.
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 09-2010
Posted From: 86.157.25.58
Posted on Tuesday, November 23, 2010 - 06:10 pm:   

My latest. Brandishing Knives:
http://www.ligotti.net/showthread.php?t=4779

Has anyone else been slipping into short shorts?
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Carolinec (Carolinec)
Username: Carolinec

Registered: 06-2009
Posted From: 92.232.199.129
Posted on Tuesday, November 23, 2010 - 08:05 pm:   

>>Has anyone else been slipping into short shorts?<<

Not in this cold weather, Des - too chilly around the old legs.

(sorry, me being silly again - I'll go off and read your short short shortly)
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 09-2010
Posted From: 86.165.39.12
Posted on Sunday, March 20, 2011 - 11:14 am:   

I wrote two new fiction thingies yesterday, placed for free on the 7 year old Weirdmonger Wheel (the latter one being about a No Fly Zone and the former about 'stubbers' and 'no spitting' signs on old buses):

MAR 19: STUBBER: http://weirdmonger.blogspot.com/2011/03/stubber.html

MAR 19: A THIN IN A TIN: http://nullimmortalis.wordpress.com/2011/03/19/a-thin-in-a-tin/


Anyone else writing new short shorts?
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 09-2010
Posted From: 86.159.146.36
Posted on Friday, July 01, 2011 - 10:22 am:   

Space Odyssey: http://nullimmortalis.wordpress.com/2011/07/01/space-odyssey/
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Mbfg (Mbfg)
Username: Mbfg

Registered: 09-2010
Posted From: 212.219.63.204
Posted on Friday, July 01, 2011 - 11:32 am:   

How about something for "Worldand" Des? Only 1500 words or less on the subject of Twilight (no teenage vampires pleeeeaaaasssse)

See http://exaggeratedpress.weebly.com/

Regards
Terry
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 09-2010
Posted From: 81.153.251.119
Posted on Thursday, July 21, 2011 - 11:31 pm:   

http://weirdmonger.blogspot.com/2011/07/haunted-manor.html
(My unaltered off-the-cuff 10 minute speed-writing exercise at the Writers Group tonight.)
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 09-2010
Posted From: 86.165.37.175
Posted on Tuesday, August 30, 2011 - 11:48 am:   

Two recent short shorts (the second one - half an hour ago):


http://weirdmonger.blogspot.com/2011/08/pilot-looked-round.html

http://weirdmonger.blogspot.com/2011/08/breaking-dawn.html
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 09-2010
Posted From: 81.131.175.228
Posted on Friday, November 04, 2011 - 01:12 pm:   

A new thingie today:
http://nullimmortalis.wordpress.com/2011/11/04/thoughts-and-themes/
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 09-2010
Posted From: 86.158.58.16
Posted on Monday, February 06, 2012 - 11:14 am:   

Yesterdays:
The Lengthening Dream
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 09-2010
Posted From: 81.154.251.239
Posted on Saturday, March 17, 2012 - 08:49 am:   

Following my most recent 'thingie' short-short from a few days ago linked below - I just accidentally – by complete chance – heard a drama about Roy Orbison on Rado 4 Extra – which includes his yearning to stop time at the moment of optimum happiness forever.
Perhaps it did for Roy.

------------
http://nullimmortalis.wordpress.com/2012/03/16/diana-and-her-brother-lived-over- the-shop/
This Roy Orbison 'thingie' was a speed-writing exercise with a randomly picked title at the Clacton Writers Group,
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 09-2010
Posted From: 86.145.224.20
Posted on Tuesday, June 12, 2012 - 05:26 pm:   

I've written a new short short today:
A HALO OF DRIZZLE AROUND AN ORANGE STREET LAMP
http://weirdmonger.livejournal.com/221227.html
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 09-2010
Posted From: 86.140.213.21
Posted on Monday, August 20, 2012 - 03:43 pm:   

One I did today about chuggers
http://nullimmortalis.wordpress.com/2012/08/20/holiday-without-end-2/
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 09-2010
Posted From: 86.147.87.58
Posted on Friday, March 08, 2013 - 05:13 pm:   

Something called TOO MANY BRIDGES:
http://nullimmortalis.wordpress.com/2013/03/08/too-many-bridges/
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 09-2010
Posted From: 86.129.38.214
Posted on Friday, February 21, 2014 - 10:03 pm:   

Two shorts shorts about trains written today: http://etepsed.wordpress.com/430-2/#comment-1909
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Stevie Walsh (Stephenw)
Username: Stephenw

Registered: 03-2009
Posted From: 212.183.128.62
Posted on Saturday, February 22, 2014 - 07:32 pm:   

You bastard! How can anyone be so unfeasibly talented ffs!

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