| Author | Message | ||
     John Llewellyn Probert (John_l_probert) Username: John_l_probert Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.131.0.116 |
Toward the end of this film a naked Lindsay Lohan wakes up in a church (next to her character’s naked mother with whom she has just been making a porno movie), puts on a nun’s habit, and then eventually proceeds to gun down a whole load of bad guys. Those who might not appreciate Robert Rodriguez at his no-holds-barred drive-in grindhouse movie best have probably already stopped reading. For everyone else, we watched this film this afternoon and it's a belter, and more than lives up to the promise of the trailer that was tacked onto the start of last year’s Planet Terror, a movie with which it would make a much better double bill companion than Tarantino’s Death Proof. Danny Trejo finally gets the starring role he was born for as he plays a Mexican cop trying to run in the biggest fattest Steven Seagal you will probably ever see. “It’s too hot for clothes” purrs probably the most gorgeous girl to be displayed naked on cinema screens all year before she produces a cellphone to disrupt Machete’s drugs bust. His partner gets killed, his wife gets beheaded by Massive Steve and his daughter is left in peril as we launch into the titles. Then it’s fun all the way as unscrupulous Jeff Fahey hires our now out of work hero to assassinate senatorial candidate Robert de Niro. It all goes wrong (of course) with the result that Machete gets the good guys and the bad guys on his tail, and the only people who can help him are immigrations official Jessica Alba in her customary skin tight clothing and unlikely high heels, Michelle Rodriguez wearing an eye patch and not much else, Cheech Marin as a shotgun wielding vicar, and every single Mexican extra the director could lay his hands on for a climax of Bronx Warrior proportions. It’s the kind of movie that just doesn’t get made anymore, but which some of us will recognise all too well – the kind of straight to video low budget Cannon epics that kept us entertained in the 1980s. It’s all terrific, silly fun played dead straight, with some of the best and daftest lines all year. We laughed and laughed and we would watch it again. | ||
| Zed (Gary_mc) Username: Gary_mc Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 81.96.253.77 |
a climax of Bronx Warrior proportions I just had one of those reading your review, John...  | ||
| Mick Curtis (Mick) Username: Mick Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.179.37.237 |
Sounds brilliant! | ||
| Johnny_mains (Johnny_mains) Username: Johnny_mains Registered: 04-2010 Posted From: 86.31.118.252 |
I watched this about two months ago and had one of the best afternoons ever. The film does get a bit limp in places, and De Niro is really terrible in it - but Jessica Alba and the infamous shower scene, the aforementioned Lindsay Lohan (gutted that the Linda Lovelace bio is shooting without her) and the ever brilliant Cheech Marin do well with what they're given. Biggest surprises were Jeff Fahey, last seen by myself in The Lawnmower Man and Steven Seagull, playing a bad ass and actually agreeing to whole body shots and not being shot from the chest up... John, I can send you the DVD if you want? | ||
| John Llewellyn Probert (John_l_probert) Username: John_l_probert Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.131.0.116 |
Hey Johnny - haven't heard from you in a while my friend! I'm gutted the Linda Lovelace movie is shooting without the "uninsurable" Ms Lohan as well Check out Jeff Fahey in Planet Terror (if you can keep your eyes off Rose McGowan). Mick - you'll bloody love it! Zed -  as always | ||
| Johnny_mains (Johnny_mains) Username: Johnny_mains Registered: 04-2010 Posted From: 86.31.118.252 |
John, things are going a bit mental at Chez Mains at the moment. Will phone you Mon/Tues. | ||
| John Llewellyn Probert (John_l_probert) Username: John_l_probert Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.131.0.116 |
No worries Johnny - I look forward as ever to your dulcet tones. Try Eric Red's Body Parts with Jeff Fahey as well - it's not bad at all! (Do you think Lohan's tattoos and self harm marks in Machete were makeup, btw?) | ||
| Johnny_mains (Johnny_mains) Username: Johnny_mains Registered: 04-2010 Posted From: 86.31.118.252 |
Think the tattoos were fake... | ||
| John Llewellyn Probert (John_l_probert) Username: John_l_probert Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.131.0.116 |
Probably worth another watch of the film to check... | ||
| Johnny_mains (Johnny_mains) Username: Johnny_mains Registered: 04-2010 Posted From: 86.31.118.252 |
My missus just said she didn't think Lindsay had tattoos in it...I have to admit, I was watching her nipples more... :D | ||
| John Llewellyn Probert (John_l_probert) Username: John_l_probert Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.131.0.116 |
I was watching her tattoos in the scene where she was having breakfast (?) with the family. In the church scene I was, of course, checking that everything was anatomically correct ;-> I bet McMahon can't wait to see this, now. | ||
| Zed (Gary_mc) Username: Gary_mc Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 81.96.253.77 |
I'd rather see Lohan keep her clothes on, to be honest. She's horrid. | ||
| John Llewellyn Probert (John_l_probert) Username: John_l_probert Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.131.0.116 |
Don't worry my dear chap - you won't be too offended. If there was one person I was thinking of who would love this movie while I was watching it it was you  | ||
| Zed (Gary_mc) Username: Gary_mc Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 81.96.253.77 |
It's certainly one I plan to buy as soon as it hits DVD. I just watched Spirits of the Dead...Fellini's Toby Dammit sequence was a bit creepy. | ||
| Jamie Rosen (Jamie) Username: Jamie Registered: 11-2008 Posted From: 99.241.48.210 |
It's a body double for Lindsay's naked scenes anyway. Note how you never see her face while you can see her nipples; her hair is cleverly positioned to cover those naughty bits when you can see her face. But she's surprisingly good. By which I mean tolerable. If she hadn't been chewed up by the Hollywood-Disney-partygirl machine, she might have had a decent career. Ah well. Machete was the most fun I've had in theatres in a long, long time. Probably since Shoot'em Up, which is essentially the platonic ideal of Hollywood gunplay-action movies and is highly recommended if you like such things. | ||
| John Llewellyn Probert (John_l_probert) Username: John_l_probert Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.131.0.116 |
Zed - I couldn't get my head around that Fellini sequence at all. It seems to get praised a lot but I found it impenetrable and a trial to get through (for the wrong reasons) William Wilson, on the other hand, has some very nice bits in it | ||
| Tony (Tony) Username: Tony Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.140.190.159 |
Shit! I just put Spirits of the Dead on my xmas list. I've never heard of it in my life. Machete, on the other hand, I have only read one good review of (among the other little ones), and it was here. The rest all say it's a tad dull. Weird, that. Strange, it stuck me in the middle of the night that Lohan used a body double. The weird thoughts we have at that time. | ||
| John Llewellyn Probert (John_l_probert) Username: John_l_probert Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.131.0.116 |
How strange! - I think it must one of the least dull movies out at the moment! | ||
| Kate (Kathleen) Username: Kathleen Registered: 09-2009 Posted From: 86.131.0.116 |
Yes. Lurid, trashy Mexploitation, gratuitous sex and violence, ludicrous action, hilarious satire (esp. to an ex-pat American from that same Tex-Mex border) and bloody good fun, but dull? DULL?  | ||
| Tony (Tony) Username: Tony Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.140.190.159 |
I know! One guy said watch the Grindville trailer again instead of the film. It is odd. | ||
| Tony (Tony) Username: Tony Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.140.190.159 |
Um, Grindhouse. | ||
| Stevie Walsh (Stephenw) Username: Stephenw Registered: 03-2009 Posted From: 82.17.252.126 |
This movie has hit me completely from left field and sounds bloody awesome!! I have to say I really enjoy Robert Rodriguez's genre films and absolutely loved 'Planet Terror' - the only zombie spoof I've seen that approaches the brilliance of 'Shaun Of The Dead'. What a cast! I'll be first in the queue when this opens here!! | ||
| Zed (Gary_mc) Username: Gary_mc Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 81.96.253.77 |
John - I viewed the Toby Dammit sequence as an elongated drink/drug/madness trip. Stamp's character was clearly losing his mind and everything we saw was basically part of his insane visions. I loved the weird arty imagery - oddly motionless people in the street, weird lighting, strange ambient sequecnes, and that little girl with her silent bouncy ball...bloody hell, she freaked me out: the expression on her face was monstrous. All in all, it's a very good film. Weird arthouse musings on the themes of madness and decadence. Vadim's sequence was the leats succesful, but, as you rightly say, the William Wilson sequence had some lovely moments.  | ||
| Stevie Walsh (Stephenw) Username: Stephenw Registered: 03-2009 Posted From: 82.17.252.126 |
Sorted... I'll be going to see 'Machete' with the little lady in Leeds on Sat night! | ||
| Zed (Gary_mc) Username: Gary_mc Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 81.96.253.77 |
You'll need a machete on a Saturday night in Leeds, mate. | ||
| John Llewellyn Probert (John_l_probert) Username: John_l_probert Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.131.0.116 |
Zed IS the "Machete" of Leeds! | ||
| John Llewellyn Probert (John_l_probert) Username: John_l_probert Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.131.0.116 |
I'm looking forward to one of these of Gary McMahon: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Machete-7-Action-Figure-Neca/dp/B003XDNVNE/ref=sr_1_3?ie =UTF8&qid=1290964461&sr=8-3 | ||
| Jamie Rosen (Jamie) Username: Jamie Registered: 11-2008 Posted From: 99.241.48.210 |
Of note (to me) -- the lady who played Steven Segal's assistant didn't get mention in the IMDB cast list when I checked, but it's Devon Aoki, who is rapidly becoming a bit of a jewel in this kind of movie. She plays Miho in Sin City and also has roles in the film adaptations of the Dead or Alive video game and Mutant Chronicles table top games. IMDB also lists a 2009 credit for a movie called Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Undead, which is now on my To Be Watched list. | ||
| John Llewellyn Probert (John_l_probert) Username: John_l_probert Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.131.0.116 |
Oh yes - I recognised her too, Jamie! | ||
| Craig (Craig) Username: Craig Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 99.126.164.88 |
Have yet to see this, and want to, but Jamie? Me too - thumbs heartily up for SHOOT 'EM UP! | ||
| Stevie Walsh (Stephenw) Username: Stephenw Registered: 03-2009 Posted From: 194.32.31.1 |
Leeds on a Sat night, pah... as Derek Raymond rightly pronounced Belfast is the toughest city in the... bloody hell, I almost said it! Yes, watching Palace get trounced at Elland Road and straight into the city centre for a bit of 'Machete' action sounds like fun. | ||
| Stevie Walsh (Stephenw) Username: Stephenw Registered: 03-2009 Posted From: 194.32.31.1 |
Finally got to see 'Machete' last night and I haven't been that entertained at the cinema in years! At long last Robert Rodriguez has delivered the masterpiece he always threatened to. This has to be the most perfectly judged genre spoof I have ever seen, absolutely marvellous in every detail. If ever a film was made for switching the brain off and wallowing in pure unalloyed cinematic pleasure, delivered by a master showman, it is this one. For a time last night I was actually convinced it was the greatest film I had ever seen - that's how bloody impressive it is. Every gloriously clichéd scene, every ridiculous line delivered deadpan straight, every outrageous stunt and gloriously splattersome old-style special effect has been judged to perfection. The movie hurtles along at such a pumped-up pace, severed heads and limbs flying, entrails spilling, fountains of gore jetting, tits bouncing, blades whirling, bullets spraying, explosions, beautiful naked bodies glistening, grim set jaws and nonchalantly raised eyebrows in the face of graphic torture, mutilation and evisceration, sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll, it becomes hypnotic in its eye-popping mayhem. Fuck but I loved this movie!!!! The other two 'Grindhouse' films were great but this blows them both away for sheer maniacal fun and derangement. Danny Trejo is magnificent in the title role, creating a cinema legend before our very eyes - "Machete don't text", etc - striding through the blood, guts, babes and exploding vehicles like some demonic avenging colossus. Steven Seagal almost matches him as arch-nemesis, Torrez, a pant wettingly cool samurai sword wielding fat slob, and slayer of Machete’s wife and child (not a spoiler). Jeff Fahey gives the performance of his career as the suavely evil slimeball frontman for Robert De Niro’s hilariously bigoted right-wing shit, Senator McLaughlin (pronounced McLofflin?). An unrecognisable Don Johnson exudes so much menace as the racist redneck sheriff, leading his own private vigilante army of border patrolling psychopaths, it goes beyond villainy to some kind of camp diabolism. Tom Savini had me in stitches as super-badass-assassin, Osiris Amanpour, and his confrontation with Cheech Marin, as a pump-action shotgun wielding priest, and “respectable” brother of Machete, who kills the bad guys and absolves the good, is one of many crowning highlights of wonderfully blasphemous bad taste. Then there’s the women, lord the women… Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Lindsay Lohan, Alicia Marek, Cheryl Chin, and various other drop dead gorgeous babes, playing with some very big guns and letting it all hang out in outrageously decadent abandon <sigh>. It’s like militant feminism never happened!! My favourite moment in the movie, and every single scene is a standout, has to be Machete’s improvised escape from De Niro’s goons in the hospital – seriously, you’ve never seen anything like it! An undisputed cinematic masterpiece and my new favourite film of the year - I swear I haven’t laughed so much in the cinema in years. My sides are still aching today. But behind the laughs, blood and sex there is also a razor-sharp and righteously angry satirical wit at work here that casts a glaring spotlight on the vicious hypocrisy of right-wing American exploitation of Mexican immigrant workers, while demonising them come election time. For them, and the downtrodden poor everywhere, forced into slave labour while being spat on in the street, and worse, we have a new hero. Beyond criticism and quite, quite brilliant!!!! Go see it, if you think you can take it. Machete takes no prisoners… | ||
| Stevie Walsh (Stephenw) Username: Stephenw Registered: 03-2009 Posted From: 194.32.31.1 |
Has anyone else here, besides myself and Lord & Lady P, seen 'Machete' yet? I've been waiting on an avalanche of stunned acclamation... I've seen it twice now, and if anything it's even funnier the second time around - waiting on friends' & audience reaction. Just sublime filmmaking!! | ||
| Zed (Gary_mc) Username: Gary_mc Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 195.166.117.210 |
I'll see it on DVD, Stevie - I don't do the cinema because it makes me angry. | ||
| Stevie Walsh (Stephenw) Username: Stephenw Registered: 03-2009 Posted From: 194.32.31.1 |
If ever a film was meant to be watched with an audience it is this one, Zed. I guarantee you, and every other person there, will come out glowing with the camaraderie of a glorious shared experience. | ||
| Zed (Gary_mc) Username: Gary_mc Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 195.166.117.210 |
I loathe watching films with an audience. They talk, fidget, fuck about with mobile phones, and generally spoil my viewing. IMHO, films are best watched alone. | ||
| Stevie Walsh (Stephenw) Username: Stephenw Registered: 03-2009 Posted From: 82.17.252.126 |
Most of the time I'd agree with you, Zed, but when it comes to laugh-out-loud hilarious comedies, like this one, watching with an audience is a wonderful experience imho - laughter being infectious, and all that. | ||
| John Llewellyn Probert (John_l_probert) Username: John_l_probert Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 213.253.174.81 |
Watching a movie with a good audience is definitely better than watching it alone - the collective experience is one of the true appeals of cinema. Sadly, good audiences are rarer than good films these days. Back in the 80s going to the cinema was often a pleasurable riot - I have particularly fond memories of watching movies like Rambo where every Stallone line got a quip from the audience and the more it went on the more everyone joined in. Movies like LifeForce and Nightmare on Elm Street Parts 3 & 4 were like huge parties in the cinema and if a film like Deadly Friend was awful beyond redemption you could vent your wrath along with everyone else while watching it. These days however, things are different. Lady P & I laughed our way through movies like Bruno and Piranha 3D while the rest of the audience sat stony-faced. Even FrightFest a couple of years ago was a far more sober affair than the almost apocalyptic superbowl audience receptions movies used to get at Shock Around the Clock (and to illustrate this I had just the BEST time watching Slugs - The Movie at one of these tings). Whether it's a regional thing, a cultural thing, or whether people just don't go to the cinema to have fun anymore I don't know but it does make me wonder quite what's happened. | ||
| Stevie Walsh (Stephenw) Username: Stephenw Registered: 03-2009 Posted From: 194.32.31.1 |
Both audiences I watched 'Machete' with were in absolute fits. It's the best cinema experience I've had in years. The last time I can remember laughing as hard was at 'Borat', and before that a re-release of 'The Mysterians'. I also remember an incredible sense of shared awe, running the gamut of emotions, while watching 'Grizzly Man' (twice) in the cinema. 'Wolf Creek' was pretty special too... never saw so many white faces after a film lol. But there is a regional element for sure. The Irish, for example, are famous for really getting into big collective events. If you've ever been to a rock concert over here the joyous atmosphere and sense of appreciation from the audience is incredible - big name acts are always commenting on the warm reception they get here. |