| Author | Message | ||
     Adriana (Adriana) Username: Adriana Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 99.230.225.100 |
Does anybody know any good jokes? I need a guy to tell one in my script. | ||
| Griff (Griff) Username: Griff Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 195.93.21.100 |
Hear about the mohel (the rabbi who snips foreskins at the brit milah) who made a handbag out of foreskins? When you rub it, it turns into a suitcase. | ||
| Griff (Griff) Username: Griff Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 195.93.21.100 |
That reminds me of that old joke about the guy who buys a wallet from a moyle, for $300. "Sure, it's expensive, but when you rub it it turns into a suitcase." | ||
| Craig (Craig) Username: Craig Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 75.17.17.84 |
What's black and white and red all over...? Interracial sodomy.  | ||
| Adriana (Adriana) Username: Adriana Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 99.230.225.100 |
How about some bar jokes... A man walks into a bar...???? | ||
| Stephen Melling (Steve_melling) Username: Steve_melling Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 87.114.163.184 |
Man walks into a bar with a Jack Russell. Landlord says, "can't allow that thing in here." Jack Russell says, "but he's my buddy." Landlord replies, "I don't care, he ain't wearing a jacket." (just made it up...my apologies) | ||
| Zed (Gary_mc) Username: Gary_mc Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 81.96.240.83 |
A horse walks into a bar. Barman says: "Hey, why the long face?" It's the way I tell 'm.  | ||
| Griff (Griff) Username: Griff Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 195.93.21.100 |
Hey, I thought my joke about the moyle was anygood! | ||
| Adriana (Adriana) Username: Adriana Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 99.230.225.100 |
Keep em coming. | ||
| Gary Fry (Gary_fry) Username: Gary_fry Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 81.110.24.103 |
A guy thought he was clever when he entered a competition in his local newspaper. He had to come up with the best pun he could think of, but to maximise his chances of winning he entered 10 times, each under a different name. He waited and waited...but alas, he didn't win the prize. He's still bemused as to what happened, but he's come accept in with regard to this competition and winning it, no pun in ten did. | ||
| Adriana (Adriana) Username: Adriana Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 99.230.225.100 |
 | ||
| Gary Fry (Gary_fry) Username: Gary_fry Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 81.110.24.103 |
It's a little known fact that Gandhi suffered from bad feet and bad breath. However, his ailments have been immortalised in a song: Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Vexed With Halitosis. | ||
| Adriana (Adriana) Username: Adriana Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 99.230.225.100 |
That joke made me feel sad for the guy. (I think I take life too seriously.) | ||
| Griff (Griff) Username: Griff Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 195.93.21.100 |
Me: "Hey, I thought my joke about the moyle was anygood!" Adriana: "Keep em coming." How cold and indifferents that. Ouch! | ||
| Adriana (Adriana) Username: Adriana Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 99.230.225.100 |
Sorry. I liked the Moyle joke, Griff. It made me long for a... well, suitcase. | ||
| Griff (Griff) Username: Griff Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 195.93.21.100 |
>Boing< I think I've just made one. | ||
| Griff (Griff) Username: Griff Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 195.93.21.100 |
=:-o Admin delete that now! | ||
| Adriana (Adriana) Username: Adriana Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 99.230.225.100 |
lol | ||
| Craig (Craig) Username: Craig Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 75.4.239.171 |
A cop was on his beat one night, when he noticed a car pulled over to the side of the road, and two men outside of it - one behind the other, with his finger up the other's a**. "What's going on here?" the cop asked. "My friend had too much to drink," the man said, whose finger was up the other's a**, "and I'm trying to get him to throw up." "You're not going to make him throw up by sticking that finger of yours up his a**," the cop said. "No, but I will when I stick it back in his mouth."  | ||
| Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 195.195.236.131 |
I know a racist joke. | ||
| Tom_alaerts (Tom_alaerts) Username: Tom_alaerts Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 194.78.35.170 |
Here's mine: Young women these days... Piercings everywhere. Tattoos all over their body. Breast implants. But anal sex? "No, because it hurts"! | ||
| Griff (Griff) Username: Griff Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 195.93.21.100 |
*coughs* You German, Tom? | ||
| Griff (Griff) Username: Griff Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 195.93.21.100 |
*coughs* You German, Tom? | ||
| Tom_alaerts (Tom_alaerts) Username: Tom_alaerts Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 194.78.35.170 |
Belgian. Like Hercule Poirot. And Tintin. | ||
| Craig (Craig) Username: Craig Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 75.16.84.44 |
[I defend this joke, because structurally, it is a perfect horror story in miniature....] A virginal young woman was making her very first trip to the gynecologist, and was extremely nervous at the whole prospect. The nurse told her to get prepared and up in the stirrups, and the doctor would be there momentarily. She did, and waited, getting ever more nervous by the second.... The doctor came in, and instantly saw just how scared the young woman was. He smiled gently, and asked, "Is this your first visit to the gynecologist?" The woman nodded. "Dear, I know you're nervous, but there's really nothing to be scared about. I'll tell you what. To make you feel a little more at east, would you like me to numb you up first?" The woman hesitated, then nodded. The doctor thrust his face in her crotch. "Num! Num! Num! Num! Num!"  | ||
| Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 195.195.236.131 |
This is funny... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eea8W6g-5OU | ||
| John_l_probert (John_l_probert) Username: John_l_probert Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 213.253.174.81 |
A very fat man goes to the undertakers and says he wants to try out a casket. "I'm afraid we have nothing in your size, sir" sayd the undertaker. "Bollocks to that," says the man. "I'm going to try this one." He squeezes himself into the nearest he can find, emits an appalling gurgling wheeze and drops dead. The post mortem declared cause of death to be due to a terrible fit of coffin Department of 'It doesn;t really work if you write it down' jokes | ||
| Joel (Joel) Username: Joel Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.151.135.41 |
Wasn't that what Asaph Sawyer died from? | ||
| John_l_probert (John_l_probert) Username: John_l_probert Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 213.253.174.81 |
I believe that comment belongs in the vault message board | ||
| Weber_gregston (Weber_gregston) Username: Weber_gregston Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 83.98.9.4 |
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. -------------------------------------------------- Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.' -------------------------------------------------- 'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.' -------------------------------------------------- A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? ' 'No, because he's really heavy' -------------------------------------------------- 'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.' 'Well you can't say fairer than that then' ------------------------------------------------- Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom! -------------------------------------------------- So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died.' ------------------------------------------------- So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' -------------------------------------------------- So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' -------------------------------------------------- So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' ------------------------------------------------- Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. ------------------------------------------------- So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.' -------------------------------------------------- Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.' -------------------------------------------------- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' -------------------------------------------------- Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?' -------------------------------------------------- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. -------------------------------------------------- You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice. -------------------------------------------------- A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill' -------------------------------------------------- A man walked into the doctors,he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places' ------------------------------------------------- I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy. -------------------------------------------------- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. -------------------------------------------------- I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. -------------------------------------------------- Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. -------------------------------------------------- Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...' -------------------------------------------------- I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' -------------------------------------------------- My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. -------------------------------------------------- A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'. -------------------------------------------------- I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. -------------------------------------------------- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. -------------------------------------------------- Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. | ||
| Craig (Craig) Username: Craig Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 75.17.16.107 |
Where did King Henry IV keep his armies...? In his sleevies. Where can you find buccanneers? On the side of your buccan-head. Why did the farmer win an award? For being a man out standing in his field. And a little kiddy ditty... "You're standing on the corner When your nose begins to run You think that it's a booger But it's not" | ||
| Adriana (Adriana) Username: Adriana Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 99.230.225.100 |
Webber - that 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese one actually made me laugh out loud. Awesome. | ||
| Allybird (Allybird) Username: Allybird Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 79.70.57.67 |
All - really good jokes Weber! | ||
| Weber_gregston (Weber_gregston) Username: Weber_gregston Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 83.98.9.4 |
I went to the bus station and asked "Can I have a return ticket please" He said "Where to?" I said "Here of course, where else am I going to return to?" | ||
| Weber_gregston (Weber_gregston) Username: Weber_gregston Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 83.98.9.4 |
This may be offensive to some people. Man walks up to the ticket counter at the train station and says "Can I have a Firtht clath ticket to buminghum pleathe" Ticket man says "I know what you need, you need some Tunes!" (for the foreign contingent - Tunes are a cough sweet designed to unblock the nasal passages) The man replied "Why, will that help my therabral palthy?" I did say it might be offensive... | ||
| Weber_gregston (Weber_gregston) Username: Weber_gregston Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 83.98.9.4 |
Are Michael Jackson jokes allowed? | ||
| John_l_probert (John_l_probert) Username: John_l_probert Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 90.208.214.10 |
Mr Gregston, I am having the most chucklesome time with all of these. And therefore everyone at work is being subjected to them as well. | ||
| Weber_gregston (Weber_gregston) Username: Weber_gregston Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 83.98.9.4 |
Why does michael jackson like screwing twenty seven year olds? There's twenty of them... | ||
| Weber_gregston (Weber_gregston) Username: Weber_gregston Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 83.98.9.4 |
www.efilsgod.piczo.com click on the link that says funny bits | ||
| Weber (Weber_gregston) Username: Weber_gregston Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 109.150.19.4 |
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time..... I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they were still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!! Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield: 3.1415927 dead Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him. I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘That guy’s heading for a breakdown’. |