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Weber (Weber_gregston)
Username: Weber_gregston

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 86.181.142.105
Posted on Monday, June 06, 2011 - 05:52 am:   

I've just ahd one of the most pleasant but simultaneously most tormenting nights I've had for a long while.

I went to see Xmen First Class with my best friend (exxcellent film BTW) a few drinks in Manchester (till Grand Central and then FAB cafe both called last orders) and stopped at his house and watched Double Indemnity on DVD before wandering back to my place - got home half an hour or so ago.

That's the pleasant part.

The other side of it is that I've been in love with him for a long time. He's straight. He knows I like him in a less than fully heterosexual way and he's fine with it (although I don't think he realises how deep my feelings go for him). There are times when I'm with him that I so want to try to take things further but, after knowing him for 15 years and being in love with him for at least 10 of those, I know it's never going to happen.

Tonight has been one of those times. I was scared enough about telling him I "liked him" so to speak. That took till last year before I let it slip while drunk one night - only partly accidentally. He made it quite clear that, while he doesn't care that I like him in that way, it's not reciprocated. We're close frinds but nothing more. I'm almost certain if I made any further move I could lose him as a friend. I don't think I could cope with that.

Why does loving someone have to hurt so damned much.
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Kate (Kathleen)
Username: Kathleen

Registered: 09-2009
Posted From: 86.153.11.198
Posted on Monday, June 06, 2011 - 09:11 am:   

There's nothing anyone can say that will ease the heartache and I can't imagine how difficult the situation must be for you. You have my sympathy.
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Joel (Joel)
Username: Joel

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 2.24.28.186
Posted on Monday, June 06, 2011 - 09:19 am:   

Weber, sorry to hear all this (apart from the films part, obviously, since that was OK). Take it easy. Unrequited love is always painful the standard solution is to find someone else, but it doesn't always work, especially if the person in question appeals to a side of you that you're not confident about. The holding pattern of maintaining the friendship while trying to overcome the deeper feelings is rational but can be very painful. And moving between 'straight' and 'gay' areas of feeling and experience without being locked in by definitions can be magical (believe me), but the emotional stakes are high and it's hard to maintain your own idea of love when other people jump to simplistic or cynical conclusions. Anyway I must get to work now but take it easy.
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Zed (Gary_mc)
Username: Gary_mc

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 195.166.117.210
Posted on Monday, June 06, 2011 - 09:53 am:   

Have I missed something here? Weber - I thought you had a girlfriend. I didn't even realise you were gay!

Having been in a similar situation with a female friend many years ago, all I can say is it's a horrible, horrible state of affairs. In my case, thngs got messier because we started to sleep together, and it completely ruined the friendship. So, my advice would be: don't act on your feelings.
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Simon Bestwick (Simon_b)
Username: Simon_b

Registered: 10-2008
Posted From: 86.24.209.217
Posted on Monday, June 06, 2011 - 10:18 am:   

Weber- sorry to hear it, mate. As Joel says above, unrequited love is always painful- been there and done that many, many times. Drop us a line if you need to.
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Rhysaurus (Rhysaurus)
Username: Rhysaurus

Registered: 01-2010
Posted From: 212.219.233.223
Posted on Monday, June 06, 2011 - 11:06 am:   

Giving advice (and receiving it) is bollocks but...

One way of helping yourself to feel better is to engage in physical activities. (Yes, yes, fnarr, fnarr!). I don't know how physical a lifestyle you have already, but running, cycling, swimming, hiking, energetic dancing, martial arts, fencing, tennis, whatever, will replenish the endorphins/serotonin that's currently missing from your brain.

Love pain and romanti-heartache are partly due to low levels of those brain chemicals. Getting more physical won't solve your pain but it will help. I know this from experience.

Sitting and moping is the worst thing you can do. Being a Young Werther is courting disaster. Switch off that mind of yours. Become a physical being.
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Weber (Weber_gregston)
Username: Weber_gregston

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 194.66.23.11
Posted on Monday, June 06, 2011 - 11:35 am:   

I really must stay offline when I'm drunk...
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Zed (Gary_mc)
Username: Gary_mc

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 195.166.117.210
Posted on Monday, June 06, 2011 - 11:39 am:   

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Stevie Walsh (Stephenw)
Username: Stephenw

Registered: 03-2009
Posted From: 194.32.31.1
Posted on Monday, June 06, 2011 - 11:41 am:   

Fuck me, sideways! That's just about the loveliest post I've read on here, you soft hearted lug. You should turn your feelings into a story. I gathered you were bi when we met, Marc, you more or less told me, but I didn't realise it was causing you so much grief.

Take my advice and don't ever, no matter how drunk you get, act on your feelings for this bloke. I've been in your mate's situation and know from experience that his instinctive reaction will be to physically push you away with a look of horror on his face - you don't ever want to see that!

I had a mate, I've been friendly with since working together in our twenties, come on to me, with a lunging attempt at a kiss, on holiday while blind drunk and that was how I reacted. He went to pieces and nothing I could say after could console him. I've been wracked with guilt about my reaction and its effect on him ever since. Like your mate, I always had an inkling he liked me in a more than friendly way but it was just never talked about or thought about much on my part. The good news is I got him to calm down and we kept it to ourselves, there were two others on the trip who didn't witness what happened. We got through the rest of the holiday and, after a period of awkwardness, got our friendship back on track. But I'm sure neither of us will forget that night. It was one of the most painful and embarrassing situations I've ever gone through and I can only imagine the way he must have felt. I swear I've never sobered up so fast in my life!

You're a decent bloke, despite the godawful sense of humour, and I'm sure there's someone out there who's right for you. But it isn't this bloke, trust me... Keep him in the box marked "friend" because that's all he'll ever be.
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Rhysaurus (Rhysaurus)
Username: Rhysaurus

Registered: 01-2010
Posted From: 212.219.233.223
Posted on Monday, June 06, 2011 - 11:42 am:   

Don't feel bad, Weber. You've taken some of the heat off us. That's an act of charity on your part, I think.
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Stephen Theaker (Stephen_theaker)
Username: Stephen_theaker

Registered: 12-2009
Posted From: 92.232.184.206
Posted on Monday, June 06, 2011 - 12:18 pm:   

I'm still mortified about the time I tried to kiss a girl at school and she shouted, "What's happening!?"
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Rhysaurus (Rhysaurus)
Username: Rhysaurus

Registered: 01-2010
Posted From: 212.219.233.223
Posted on Monday, June 06, 2011 - 12:24 pm:   

I serenaded a girl once. Charlotte was her name. I serenaded her properly with a guitar and an old Cuban trouve song. She appeared at the window, listened carefully, made a gesture that she would be back in a minute, returned at the window with a saucepan full of water...

She emptied the water onto me and then threw the saucepan. I walked home, drenched, mirthful faces at other windows looking out at me, gibbering, trailing the guitar behind me...

That was in August 1999. Sometimes the memory of the incident comes unbidden to me and I do a strange sort of shiver of shame and humiliation...
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Craig (Craig)
Username: Craig

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 99.126.164.88
Posted on Monday, June 06, 2011 - 04:10 pm:   

There's nothing worse (well, outside trench warfare and plague and the like) than non-reciprocal of-equal-value love. I think we've all been there, and it's just plain painful. Like Joel, I'm not sure I could maintain a friendship, at least while that love simmered: it would be an open wound never healing. I have no answers (never found any myself), only commiseration....
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Tony (Tony)
Username: Tony

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 81.132.169.240
Posted on Monday, June 06, 2011 - 04:15 pm:   

I think it's a nice pain. A love that can't go wrong.
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Weber (Weber_gregston)
Username: Weber_gregston

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 194.66.23.11
Posted on Monday, June 06, 2011 - 06:06 pm:   

There's no need for any concern for me. I was feeling frustrated last night, compounded by six or seven pints of strongbow.

Thank you all for the kind words in any case.

I will try to avoid posting self pitying drivel in future.
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Tony (Tony)
Username: Tony

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 81.132.169.240
Posted on Monday, June 06, 2011 - 06:11 pm:   

No - never keep stuff in. It's not good for you and you might as well do it in a friendly place like this. :-)
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Weber (Weber_gregston)
Username: Weber_gregston

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 86.144.33.42
Posted on Monday, June 06, 2011 - 07:05 pm:   

"I think it's a nice pain. A love that can't go wrong"

It will never go right either though...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czQYvZDcXlQ

This kind of sums things up. even if it is about a woman
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Stevie Walsh (Stephenw)
Username: Stephenw

Registered: 03-2009
Posted From: 82.4.19.77
Posted on Tuesday, June 07, 2011 - 12:35 am:   

Read some Dante, Weber.

The greatest poet who ever lived and he wrote the last word on unrequited love, 'La Vita Nuova'.
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Frank (Frank)
Username: Frank

Registered: 09-2008
Posted From: 85.222.86.21
Posted on Tuesday, June 07, 2011 - 08:46 am:   

Weber - it wasn't self-pitying at all. I think it took guts to post on here saying how you feel. Generally we don't really say what we feel, or we hide behind banter. You wanted to speak to people who would understand. I think people have shown that. I think it says a lot that people reacted positively, that they listened and offered advice, rather than not answer or simply dismiss it. I think it makes people like you more for trusting them. Good for you.
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Carolinec (Carolinec)
Username: Carolinec

Registered: 06-2009
Posted From: 92.232.199.129
Posted on Tuesday, June 07, 2011 - 12:15 pm:   

Aw, Weber, just seen this. Can I give you a virtual hug?

I've been in the same relationship so long now my memories of falling in love are quite distant, but I do recall my first love - an unrequited one. We were great friends at school and I was absolutely smitten with him, but - to my dismay - it never went any further than us being just good friends. It hurt like hell, so I really feel for you.

And how nice of you to feel happy and confident to post about this here - says a lot for you and all the people on this lovely board I reckon.

Hope you find the right person for you soon, Weber.
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Zed (Gary_mc)
Username: Gary_mc

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 195.166.117.210
Posted on Tuesday, June 07, 2011 - 12:32 pm:   

It's like the Jeremy Kyle show on here...
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Rhysaurus (Rhysaurus)
Username: Rhysaurus

Registered: 01-2010
Posted From: 212.219.233.223
Posted on Tuesday, June 07, 2011 - 12:41 pm:   

Yeah, with horror bods instead of chavs.
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Frank (Frank)
Username: Frank

Registered: 09-2008
Posted From: 85.222.86.21
Posted on Tuesday, June 07, 2011 - 02:03 pm:   

The difference being?
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Zed (Gary_mc)
Username: Gary_mc

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 195.166.117.210
Posted on Tuesday, June 07, 2011 - 02:21 pm:   

Marginal.
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Mark_lynch (Mark_lynch)
Username: Mark_lynch

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 92.40.254.193
Posted on Tuesday, June 07, 2011 - 05:48 pm:   

Webber, if it's any consolation, I've not seen X-Men First Class. So hang in there, buddy.
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Mark_lynch (Mark_lynch)
Username: Mark_lynch

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 92.40.254.251
Posted on Tuesday, June 07, 2011 - 05:50 pm:   

Oops. One 'b' too many. Sorry.
WeBer.

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