| Author | Message | ||
     Patrick Walker (Patrick_walker) Username: Patrick_walker Registered: 01-2010 Posted From: 195.59.153.200 |
I read the opening few pages of an old proof edition of The Executioner by crime-writer Chris Carter (not he of X Files-fame but rather a one-time criminal psychologist and glam rock musician) one lunch time recently and I simply couldn't understand how it came to be published at all, let alone by Simon & Schuster. After having a good old belly laugh and rereading it a few times, once or twice aloud to some colleagues, I thought I'd take the opportunity to post the opening fragment for your reading pleasure. Chapter One 'Ironic how the only certainty in life is death, don’t you think?’ The man’s voice was calm. His posture relaxed. ‘Please … you don’t have to do this.’ In contrast, the man on the floor was petrified and exhausted. His voice strangled by tears and blood. He was naked and shivering. His arms were stretched above his head, chained by his wrists to the raw brick wall. The dark basement room had been transformed into a medieval-looking dungeon, all four walls fitted with heavy metal shackles. A sickening smell of urine lingered in the air and an incessant buzzing sound came from a large wooden box in the corner, placed there by the attacker. The room was sound- and escape-proof. Once locked inside, there was no way of getting out unless someone let you out. ‘It doesn’t matter how you’ve lived your life,’ the other man continued, disregarding the bleeding man. ‘It doesn’t matter how rich you are, what you’ve accomplished, who you know or what hopes you have. In the end the same thing will happen to all of us – we’ll all die.’ ‘Please, God, no.’ ‘What matters is how we die.’ The man on the floor coughed, spitting out a thin red mist of blood. ‘Some people die naturally, painlessly, as they reach the end of a natural cycle.’ The man laughed a bizarre, gurgling laugh. ‘Some people suffer for years with incurable diseases, fighting every minute to add just a few more seconds to their lives.’ ‘I… I’m not rich. I don’t have much, but whatever I have you can take.’ ‘Shhhh.’ The man brought a finger to his lips before whispering, ‘I don’t need your money.’ Another cough. Another mist of blood. An evil smile parted the assailant’s lips. ‘Some people die very slowly,’ he continued. His voice was cold. ‘The pain of death can drag on for hours… days… weeks… If you know what you’re doing, there’s no limit, did you know that?’ He paused. Until then, the chained man hadn’t noticed the nail gun in his attacker’s hand. Classic stuff, no? "The dark basement room had been transformed into a medieval-looking dungeon"??!! And my favourite part, particularly to read aloud: "Once locked inside, there was no way of getting out...unless someone let you out." I would be seriously interested in seeing a better example of utter shit in the form of mass-market fiction. | ||
| Weber (Weber_gregston) Username: Weber_gregston Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 194.66.23.11 |
Try Dan Brown. At least Chris Carter seems to know basic grammar | ||
| Weber (Weber_gregston) Username: Weber_gregston Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 194.66.23.11 |
here's a sample chapter from the Lost symbol CHAPTER THREE A warm breeze whipped through the Alabama evening. This humid Saturday was one that would be remembered for some time. Robert Langdon had just finished his shower noting that his new buzz cut took considerably less effort to maintain. His body was tired and the images of what happened that afternoon only intensified the fatigue. Langdon could still hear the roar of the crowd as he buttoned his shirt. He closed his eyes and replayed the events in his mind. The football arrived in his arms like a newborn, a newborn that he would cradle and protect for as long as he was responsible for it. Langdon surveyed the field and headed forward. Barreling down on him was the opposing team but he knew just how elusive to be. As he increased his stride and used his blockers, open field awaited. Once he got to it, no one could catch him. The red end zone got bigger with each pump of his legs. Upon crossing the goal line, the stadium erupted and the band played the school's fight song. Though the other team had ceased their pursuit, something was still chasing him. His teammates met him on the sidelines where he received pats on the back and high-fives. Langdon was jolted out of his mental highlight reel. High-five. He realized that was it. That's what's been chasing him. It was a sign. A symbol. HIGH-FIVE "What was it about that phrase?" Langdon mused. He took out an old notepad that he kept in his blazer. He played with the phrase some more. HIGH-5 HI-5 HI-V HIV "Oh no!" It was at this point Robert Langdon realized Jenny had AIDS. | ||
| Patrick Walker (Patrick_walker) Username: Patrick_walker Registered: 01-2010 Posted From: 195.59.153.200 |
Don't laugh at me for being gullible, but that's not for real, is it? | ||
| Christopher Overend (Chris_overend) Username: Chris_overend Registered: 03-2012 Posted From: 217.33.165.66 |
I'm new to this writing game, and I think you're having a laugh. They can't be real. | ||
| Christopher Overend (Chris_overend) Username: Chris_overend Registered: 03-2012 Posted From: 217.33.165.66 |
Atlanta Nights is better than that. | ||
| Patrick Walker (Patrick_walker) Username: Patrick_walker Registered: 01-2010 Posted From: 195.59.153.200 |
Okay, it's not for real. Nonetheless, this is a good article from The Telegraph and it's no less entertaining: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/books/booknews/6194031/The-Lost-Symbol-and-Th e-Da-Vinci-Code-author-Dan-Browns-20-worst-sentences.html I particularly enjoyed the comment at the bottom from the reader who gave up on The Lost Symbol at the point where Langdon did a double-take on the phone. | ||
| Weber (Weber_gregston) Username: Weber_gregston Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 82.145.216.62 |
Looking more closely at the site i picked that up from, i believe it may well be a parody. But the real thing isn't any better. | ||
| Christopher Overend (Chris_overend) Username: Chris_overend Registered: 03-2012 Posted From: 92.26.207.180 |
A double-aural-take is something only a renowned curator is capable of... | ||
| Mbfg (Mbfg) Username: Mbfg Registered: 09-2010 Posted From: 62.255.207.128 |
Derar Christopher "New to this writing game"? Does that mean you've just started writing? If so and you're looking for placs to send your work, then I'm open to submissions for Wordland 2: Hi Honey I'm Home, the second issue of my story magazine, currently an e-zine but I'm pondering a paper version this time. Take a look at http://wordlnd.weebly.com/. That, of course, applies to everyone else who writes as well - except Chris Carter and Dan Brown. Sorry to intrude on this thread and slip off the subject but opportunist as always... Regards Terry | ||
| Ramsey Campbell (Ramsey) Username: Ramsey Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 92.8.23.197 |
I quote - no, really: "He wore a flat cap that totally engulfed his head." | ||
| Christopher Overend (Chris_overend) Username: Chris_overend Registered: 03-2012 Posted From: 217.33.165.66 |
LMAO That's brilliant. | ||
| Christopher Overend (Chris_overend) Username: Chris_overend Registered: 03-2012 Posted From: 217.33.165.66 |
Terry, I'll have a look; thanks for that. | ||
| Gary Fry (Gary_fry) Username: Gary_fry Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.25.43.252 |
Brown's website claims that he used to teach creative writing. My favourite bad line from DVC is not in that list. It goes: "The moon came in through the curtains and danced on the carpet." There's also a cracker that reads something like: "The late professor was dead. His corpse lay on the floor." Genius. | ||
| David_lees (David_lees) Username: David_lees Registered: 12-2011 Posted From: 92.22.53.255 |
Out of curiosity I picked up the novelization of the first Underworld movie in a bookshop and opened it at random to be confronted by the line: "What will become of me?" the shapely vampire fretted. Fair enough, the whole selling point of the franchise is Kate Beckinsale in a rubber catsuit, I suppose. | ||
| Carolinec (Carolinec) Username: Carolinec Registered: 06-2009 Posted From: 92.232.199.129 |
"The moon came in through the curtains and danced on the carpet." I love that! Reminds me of the line in Under Milk Wood. Can't recall the exact words but it's something like "Make sure the sun wipes its feet before you let it in" (as the husband pulls back the curtains in the morning). Dylan Thomas says it so much better than me, of course.  | ||
| John Forth (John) Username: John Registered: 05-2008 Posted From: 82.24.1.217 |
Assuming part of an editor's role is to prevent authors embarrassing themselves in public (with their writing, at least), it does beg the question: just what are Dan Brown's editors doing?! | ||
| Gary Fry (Gary_fry) Username: Gary_fry Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.25.43.252 |
They don't care. The books sell. | ||
| John Forth (John) Username: John Registered: 05-2008 Posted From: 82.24.1.217 |
But there must have been a point before his first book was published when they looked at his manuscript and said: "What is this shit?" | ||
| Gary Fry (Gary_fry) Username: Gary_fry Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.25.43.252 |
I read something once that suggested that if such authors don't like editorial suggestions, they simply take their books elsewhere. Ergo, they're editor-proof. | ||
| Mick Curtis (Mick) Username: Mick Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.176.101.61 |
You'd have to be reasonably confident that what you've written will sell though, surely, otherwise every editor worth his or her salt would be saying the same thing... | ||
| Protodroid (Protodroid) Username: Protodroid Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 109.79.79.207 |
What about the many editors who turned down Harry Potter? Who would risk sharing their fate? | ||
| Gary Fry (Gary_fry) Username: Gary_fry Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.25.43.252 |
I bet they "laughed a bizarre, gurgling laugh" (Carter, 2012, copyright Simon and Schuster). | ||
| Christopher Overend (Chris_overend) Username: Chris_overend Registered: 03-2012 Posted From: 217.33.165.66 |
@David_lees I'm willing to forgive the writers of Underworld. I'd probably do the same for Dan Brown if Jaques Sauniere was played by Kate Beckinsale, and she was wearing a rubber catsuit. | ||
| Stevie Walsh (Stephenw) Username: Stephenw Registered: 03-2009 Posted From: 82.18.174.156 |
I don't read bad books. Life's too short. You can tell just by reading the first page of any novel (or author) if it's going to be worth the effort or not. However, I make one exception to this rule... Dennis Wheatley. His books are so outrageously, pompously cliched and unintentionally parodic of their stiff-upper-lip era that the first page has me rolling about with mirth and hopelessly hooked, reading the book aloud in silly voices until the end every time. He's a dreadful writer but he isn't half entertaining. Jeffrey Archer (wanker!), Dan Brown, et al can't hold a candle to him. | ||
| Ramsey Campbell (Ramsey) Username: Ramsey Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 92.8.23.227 |
You should read Sean Manchester, Stevie. | ||
| Stevie Walsh (Stephenw) Username: Stephenw Registered: 03-2009 Posted From: 82.18.174.156 |
Never heard of him, Ramsey! But I'm sure he'd be chuffed at your recommendation.  Dennis Wheatley's ridiculous readability was a one-off, never to be repeated accident of history, imo. His po-faced championing of the upper crust customs of his time, his genuine in-depth knowledge of black magic and the occult, his instinctive control of pulp narrative in the golden era of the form and his mischievously affronted use of shock imagery - I'll never forget the black mass chapter in 'The Devil Rides Out' with its scenes of kissing the Devil's ring, etc - and the fact that beneath it all lingers the suspicion that he knew just how bad he was and played it up to it shamelessly. People like Mark Gatiss have been trying to parody the excesses of Wheatley for years now but in truth no one was funnier than the Prince of Darkness himself. Everyone should adopt one terrible author in a lifetime and Dennis is mine. God bless him. | ||
| Ramsey Campbell (Ramsey) Username: Ramsey Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 92.8.23.227 |
This will give you a flavour of the great man, but nothing can compare with reading his prose accounts of his encounters with the supernatural: not Stoker, not Wheatley, not Hammer films nor anything by Roger Vadim. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YGfj2U7ADQ | ||
| Protodroid (Protodroid) Username: Protodroid Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 109.79.80.43 |
Ha! "Eyeball to deadly eyeball" He's Garth Marenghi cubed. | ||
| Craig (Craig) Username: Craig Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 99.126.164.88 |
Hee-hee. I love when he gets into a bit of a tif with the woman who thinks vampires should be saved and preserved "like unicorns," and starts to get frustrated. Although, he's starting to have me convinced he does encounter vampires. I think it's that soothing Anthony-Hopkins-as-Hannibal-Lecter voice that's winning me over... (though someone needs to tell him "documentated" isn't actually a word). | ||
| Christopher Overend (Chris_overend) Username: Chris_overend Registered: 03-2012 Posted From: 217.33.165.66 |
I particularly like Matthew Holness's The Reprisalizer, which I believe he will be filming soon. Some of the prose in his samples is brilliant. http://thereprisalizer.com/The_Reprisalizer/Tough_Guy_1.html | ||
| Mick Curtis (Mick) Username: Mick Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.183.124.205 |
The short film is pretty good too. | ||
| Joel (Joel) Username: Joel Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 2.24.28.163 |
Stevie, I have a similar weakness for Seabury Quinn, but I suspect that's because he wasn't bad all the way through and there are touches of wit, sadness and even terror mixed into the stew. He's on my shelf of emergency hokum for times of illness or crisis. None the less, reading too much of his work ends in tedium. Best to enjoy smallish doses before the formula becomes too obvious. But I think this thread shows that there is bad writing one can enjoy for its flamboyance, nerve and elbow grease, as well as bad writing that merely sickens with its disregard for language and humanity. | ||
| Craig (Craig) Username: Craig Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 99.126.164.88 |
A slight tangent, but how does a guy like this get such instant stardom with a deal like this?! I mean, is his his novel REALLY all that?!... http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/risky-business/warner-bros-ghostman-roger-hobbs -kevin-mccormick-langley-park-pictures-311659 & http://www.sobelweber.com/authors/rogerHobbs.html It's in the second I'm reminded of this thread, with that line of praise: "He [the main character] is one of the most original central characters ever to appear in a thriller." It is? Really? I hate being so envious so early in the morning....  | ||
| Ramsey Campbell (Ramsey) Username: Ramsey Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 92.8.31.3 |
Joel, you should edit an anthology called Emergency Hokum. | ||
| Thomasb (Thomasb) Username: Thomasb Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 75.25.141.120 |
I'm listening--partially--to the Manchester interview and his bland manner reminds me of that Monty Python sketch: "Yes, I wrote all Shakespeare's plays and my wife wrote all his sonnets." I think he's also stealing a bit from an M.R. James story: "The Ash Tree." I'm also glad someone is exercising vampires. I've been concerned that they were getting out of shape, lying in those coffins all day. | ||
| Christopher Overend (Chris_overend) Username: Chris_overend Registered: 03-2012 Posted From: 78.148.200.234 |
I wish they were exorcising them. Vampires suck... |