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John Llewellyn Probert (John_l_probert)
Username: John_l_probert

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 194.176.105.35
Posted on Wednesday, May 11, 2011 - 11:54 am:   

Various sources, including our local listings magazine and even our venerable landlord himself have brought to our attention a picture called 'Best Worst Movie' which is currently doing the rounds of a few independent cinemas here in the UK. This is a documentary about one of the 'worst movies of all time' - in this case, Troll 2. We have Best Worst Movie on order, but we felt it only meet and right so to do to watch the film it's about beforehand as, shockingly, it had never crossed my trash film radar.

First off, Troll 2 has nothing to do with Troll 1, a John Carl Buechler directed Empire picture from the mid 80s starring Sonny Bono and Shelley Hack. Goodness me no, Troll 2 is a retitled picture so named to try and help sell it because it needed all the help it could get.

Seasoned film enthusiasts / people with too much time on their hands don't need to get further than the opening title card (Filmirage Presents) to know we're in Italian movie territory. One of the producers is "David Hills" (actually Joe D'Amato / Aristide Massacessi hiding behind yet another pseudonym - he only used to use his 'real' name for quality pictures like 'Anthropophagous The Beast' and '120 Days of the Anal' - it's important in this business to make sure your name is associated with the genre you think is most important) and the costume designer is Black Emmanuelle herself, Laura Gemser (or Moira Chen to her mum).

After that what can I say except that 'Troll 2' comes across as Italian sleaze merchants trying to make an episode of Rentaghost and failing dismally at every turn. The acting is even worse than BBC children's programmes and the only thing of note is the occasional Maurizio Trani (Zombie Flesheaters et al) makeup effect.

Has anyone else seen it? We can't wait for the documentary - apparently the filmakers were trying to make a serious satire about vegetarianism but none of the American cast had acted before and none of the crew spoke English.

Thoughts on the documentary once it arrives in the post!
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Stevie Walsh (Stephenw)
Username: Stephenw

Registered: 03-2009
Posted From: 194.32.31.1
Posted on Wednesday, May 11, 2011 - 12:06 pm:   

I haven't seen either 'Troll' movie and desperately want to lol. Must get that 2-in-1 DVD package.
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Stevie Walsh (Stephenw)
Username: Stephenw

Registered: 03-2009
Posted From: 194.32.31.1
Posted on Wednesday, May 11, 2011 - 12:13 pm:   

There is a theory, and one that I subscribe to, that myths and legends of trolls and ogres sprang from ancient encounters with last remaining pockets of Neanderthals and/or other manimal type beasts and that these stories or racial memories continue today as reports of bigfoot, yeti, orang pendek, etc.

Not that I imagine this has anything to do with the above films.
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Weber (Weber_gregston)
Username: Weber_gregston

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 194.176.105.35
Posted on Wednesday, May 11, 2011 - 12:13 pm:   

I have seen Troll 2. I wish I could have the time back. It's slightly better than Shark in Venice. At least there is humour involved...

But apparently a lot of that is unintentional, which maybe docks more points...
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Kate (Kathleen)
Username: Kathleen

Registered: 09-2009
Posted From: 86.142.242.169
Posted on Wednesday, May 11, 2011 - 12:30 pm:   

The acting is on a par with Christian propaganda ads or school plays. The dialogue could only have come from an Italian film. Same with the character names. Sheriff Gene Freak? Creedence Leonore Gielgud? WTF? I do wish I could scrub the image of the little boy unzipping his fly to wee on the family dinner from my mind, though.
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Frank (Frank)
Username: Frank

Registered: 09-2008
Posted From: 85.222.86.21
Posted on Wednesday, May 11, 2011 - 12:36 pm:   

For a real movie about Trolls, check out the brilliant, beautifully produced Troll Hunter. It's a cross between The Blair Witch Project and Rare Exports, sort of. Great film.
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Ramsey Campbell (Ramsey)
Username: Ramsey

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 92.5.55.192
Posted on Wednesday, May 11, 2011 - 12:46 pm:   

I propose Birdemic for the BWM trophy, though...
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John Llewellyn Probert (John_l_probert)
Username: John_l_probert

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 194.176.105.47
Posted on Wednesday, May 11, 2011 - 12:52 pm:   

I never thought I;d say this but I don't think I can watch any more terrible films at the moment. We started last night with Troll 1 but it was so awful we switched off after 15 minutes (a very rare occurrence at Probert Towers). Troll 2 kept us watching because of, well, everything really, but the child weeing on the dinner scene was a standout, as was the seduction by corn on the cob, "They're eating her! And then they're going to eat ME!", "They're eating my mother!" "Do you need to throw up?" "Yes I need to throw up" and countless other gems kept us sort of going but I think I need to watch something good next before we gird our loins for Birdemic
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Kate (Kathleen)
Username: Kathleen

Registered: 09-2009
Posted From: 86.142.242.169
Posted on Wednesday, May 11, 2011 - 01:07 pm:   

Hey, who are you and what have you done with JLP???
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John Llewellyn Probert (John_l_probert)
Username: John_l_probert

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 194.176.105.53
Posted on Wednesday, May 11, 2011 - 01:11 pm:   

Oh Lordy - had you set the laptop up?
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Jamie Rosen (Jamie)
Username: Jamie

Registered: 11-2008
Posted From: 99.241.220.139
Posted on Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 04:11 am:   

I believe my local repertoire theatre screened Birdemic recently -- I distinctly remember the tagline on the poster:

"Why did the birds attacked?"

After my unfortunate run-in with The Search for Lovecraft (or whatever it was called...) I think I may have to limit myself to slightly-higher-than-$100-budget bad films such as The Calamari Wrestler, which is the best Japanese film about professional wrestling and physical transformation into sea life I've ever seen.
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John Llewellyn Probert (John_l_probert)
Username: John_l_probert

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 82.33.242.34
Posted on Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 11:11 am:   

I think I may have to limit myself to slightly-higher-than-$100-budget bad films



We watched Fritz Kiersch's original version of Children of the Corn last night and it was such a change to see a competently made movie it felt like a masterpiece even though it's not actually that good.

Mind you, we did spend some of last weekend watching public domain rubbish on one of those packs of 60 movies I bought for $12 in the states. But I'd always wanted to see The Manster, and it had Mutant with Wings Hauser and that girl with no underwear as well. In fact expect a future Profondo Probert column in Prism / whatever they'll be calling it then about the entire box set.
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Kate (Kathleen)
Username: Kathleen

Registered: 09-2009
Posted From: 86.142.242.169
Posted on Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 11:32 am:   

Are you sure you've gone off rubbish, Lord P?
The post just came and it contained Godmonster of Indian Flats and Color Me Blood Red!

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John Llewellyn Probert (John_l_probert)
Username: John_l_probert

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 82.33.242.34
Posted on Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 11:35 am:   

Oh YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Ramsey Campbell (Ramsey)
Username: Ramsey

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 195.93.21.68
Posted on Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 11:43 am:   

Lord, I think you two have been corrupted by the Troll 2 experience - at any rate, I thought Children of the Corn was an object lesson in how to ruin a great story with narrative incompetence.
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John Llewellyn Probert (John_l_probert)
Username: John_l_probert

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 82.33.242.34
Posted on Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 11:49 am:   

Having re-read King's story recently as part of my mammoth read of all the DAW Year's Best Horror Series (for an article I may write if I get through them all) it was actually interesting to see how it's possible to not so much steamroller a story to feature length (as at least one review put it at the time) but instead crowbar bits in to waste time. The original would have made a lovely modern-day Twilight Zone episode.

But yes, Troll 2 can certainly do that to one.
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John Llewellyn Probert (John_l_probert)
Username: John_l_probert

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 82.33.242.34
Posted on Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 11:51 am:   

Sorry, I slipped into Queen mode there for a moment.

She probably hasn't seen Troll 2

(No Duchess of York and Camilla jokes please - they're much too obvious so I'll save you all the bother)
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Kate (Kathleen)
Username: Kathleen

Registered: 09-2009
Posted From: 86.142.242.169
Posted on Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 12:09 pm:   

I've had an MP4 of Birdemic for months. I only resorted to the pirate option because the DVD wasn't available at the time. I even wrote to the director - to no avail. I've been trying to get Lord P to watch it ever since but have been baffled by his lack of enthusiasm.

So Troll 2 poisoned him against crap movies for all of 24 hours and now he squeals with glee over Godmonster of Indian Flats? Well, I'm Queen for a Day tomorrow and my one request (I daren't push my luck with a decree) is to watch Birdemic this weekend! I've already resigned myself to not getting Princess Beatrice's hat for my birthday but goddammit, I'm gonna see Birdemic!
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John Llewellyn Probert (John_l_probert)
Username: John_l_probert

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 82.33.242.34
Posted on Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 12:23 pm:   

Well that's your birthday surprise buggered then
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Ramsey Campbell (Ramsey)
Username: Ramsey

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 92.5.79.181
Posted on Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 12:38 pm:   

You both may be strangely transformed by the experience...
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Weber (Weber_gregston)
Username: Weber_gregston

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 194.176.105.49
Posted on Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 12:40 pm:   

Sort of on the subject of Trolls, someone who's apparently a top 500 reviewer on Amazon is trolling me because of my review of Lolita. He's actually gone through my other reviews and started leaving comments attacking my taste, just because I slated what's obviously one of his favourite books.

I've replied telling him to go to youtube where that sort of immature behaviour seems to be encouraged.
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Stevie Walsh (Stephenw)
Username: Stephenw

Registered: 03-2009
Posted From: 194.32.31.1
Posted on Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 12:51 pm:   

You do attract oddballs for some reason, Weber.
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Huw (Huw)
Username: Huw

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 61.216.200.38
Posted on Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 01:30 pm:   

I'm actually tempted to buy Birdemic and Troll 2 now.

Has anyone else seen Creatures From the Abyss? It must rank up there with the worst of the worst. Another stinker is the Japanese Ring/Kairo rip-off Ghost System which consists mainly of a few highschool kids wondering about in a forest muttering inane dialogue, and a deserted building containing what looks like a big rotating fan which is supposedly a portal to the spirit world. Avoid if you value your brain cells.
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John Llewellyn Probert (John_l_probert)
Username: John_l_probert

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 82.33.242.34
Posted on Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 02:03 pm:   

Huw - Creatures From The Abyss is on our to watch pile!
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John Llewellyn Probert (John_l_probert)
Username: John_l_probert

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 82.33.242.34
Posted on Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 02:25 pm:   

But first it has to be Godmonster of Indian Flats
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Weber (Weber_gregston)
Username: Weber_gregston

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 194.176.105.57
Posted on Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 02:40 pm:   

The box set of troll/Troll2 is only .97 from amazon... with free postage.
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Weber (Weber_gregston)
Username: Weber_gregston

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 194.176.105.57
Posted on Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 02:41 pm:   

3.97

managed to miss a number out there
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Carolinec (Carolinec)
Username: Carolinec

Registered: 06-2009
Posted From: 92.232.199.129
Posted on Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 03:19 pm:   

You nearly gave me a heart attack, Weber - I first read that as 97!!

Lord and Lady P, you've been entertaining me no end with your recent exchanges on this thread - thanks!
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Stevie Walsh (Stephenw)
Username: Stephenw

Registered: 03-2009
Posted From: 194.32.31.1
Posted on Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 05:05 pm:   

3.97 - I'll be having some of that!

As funds are tight for the next couple of weeks I foresee a few more horror triple bills on the cards.
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John Forth (John)
Username: John

Registered: 05-2008
Posted From: 82.24.1.217
Posted on Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 10:24 pm:   

Much as I love terrible films, I think BIRDEMIC may be a step too far for me. Bad is one thing, but this just sounds inept on every level. My taste in rubbish tends towards films that I know are awful, but which get by on pure goofy charm or energy.

I think my favourite 'bad' film might be Tobe Hooper's LIFEFORCE (or Quatermass and the Tit, as I've taken to calling it...)
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Jamie Rosen (Jamie)
Username: Jamie

Registered: 11-2008
Posted From: 99.241.220.139
Posted on Friday, May 13, 2011 - 05:03 am:   

There's definitely a line between the brilliant bad films like, say, the Phantasm series or Zardoz and the pure drek like Mega Piranha. The latter is perhaps best savoured in small doses. Low-budget CGI looks so much worse than the equivalent in practical effects.

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