| Author | Message | ||
     Alexicon (Alexicon) Username: Alexicon Registered: 10-2009 Posted From: 88.106.82.173 |
Things are a bit gloomy around here right now,so I suppose I'd better be the fall-guy who opens a Christmas thread. As you contemplatively grip your mug of cheap sherry and aim fag-ends at the yule logs spluttering in the grate,it's time to ask yourself,'Did I have a wondrous year?' Well,did you? What precisely did you achieve? Perhaps whilst you're pondering that,you'd be kind enough to consider another question: What Christmas gifts would RCMB board members exchange with each other? Maybe the board's sultans and sultanas (Ramsey,Ally Bird,Gary F.,Caroline,Gary M.,JLP,Paul F.,Joel,etc.) should confine themselves to giving only,and should not expect in return baubles and knick-knacks from the masses,which they would merely cast aside with an amused,sultanic curl of the lip. That way,those of us in the cheap seats wouldn't need to reciprocate,wouldn't need to face the impossible question of,What Do You Give To The Men And Women Who Have Everything? Hence,should we be fortunate enough to receive,say,a piece of pre-masticated lobster or an ostrich wishbone from some sultan's seasonal table,we are freed from the burden of reciprocation. I'll use Des/Alex as an example of gift exchange. I'm sure he won't mind,for behind that studious and thoughtful facade I'm sure there lies a mercurial,giggling imp. He also knows that I'm a fervent admirer of his many notions. Yes,yes,I realise Des is a sultan and I shouldn't be giving him anything,but this is for illustrative purposes only: I'd give Des one of those Large Hadron Collider kits as sold by Hamley's. They are in fact small Hadron Colliders because they're made for use in the average sitting-room. Once assembled and plugged into a 240v mains supply,the kit is designed to explode from time to time. According to the Chinese instruction manual,such explosions are 'not meaningful' Therefore as long as Des affixes the dome and fan (supplied) correctly,the very worst he can expect is some singed soft-furnishings. My needs are simple. From Des,I'd want to receive a pig's bladder on a stick and a signed photograph - one full of gravitas,not one of the grinning Arthur Askey-type pics he normally hands out to less discerning fanboys and girls. I'd like to think that even the most ardent, navel-gazing,literary miserablists among you could join in with this one. (Are there any? If so,stand up and be counted.). For gawd's sake,it's Christmas! Whack on the vintage Status Quo,loosen your corsets,kick off your orthopaedic carpet-slippers,grab that Polish vodka and...well,have yourselves a knees-up. That's what we do here in the sticks at Xmas: 500 watts of good-time rock,small cigarette fires in the sofas,mince pies (occasionally the turkey) thrown around,drunks falling into the Christmas tree,others comatose in the shrubbery outside - all eventually shovelled up by dawn's first light and individually transported home to their nearby hovels in my wheelbarrow. True,I'm afraid and sadly,very primitive.New Year's Eve is even worse. I blame the Wolverine. She has no shame. I hasten to add that at all other times of the year I take my responsibilities as a clinical psychologist very seriously indeed. D'you realise that I'm off-topic on the thread's very first post? So...a tinselly thread. The basics are: 1.What have you achieved? (sultans and sultanas,mainly ) 2.Exchange of gifts (lumpen-proletariat - keep it bright and cheap if you can,as befits the Season of Goodwill. Nanny Sterns - be serious if you feel the urge.) Merry Christmas Alex | ||
| Carolinec (Carolinec) Username: Carolinec Registered: 06-2009 Posted From: 82.38.75.85 |
Er, Alex, can I pull you up on something first, please? Why have you numbered me among the sultan(a)s? I'm a mere nobody. I don't write much, I haven't published much, and I hardly know any of these guys (I haven't been on this board very long, you realise). I firmly consider myself to be in the cheap seats, a mere spectator - here to view mortals far greater than myself (oh heck, I'm starting to sound a bit like you now!  ). Besides, I'd like to see what folks might consider a suitable gift for me!  And as for what I've achieved this year - well, not a lot. It's not been a brilliant year for me. But then you want a cheery thread, so I won't go into that ..  By the way, did I mention? I hate Christmas. | ||
| Craig (Craig) Username: Craig Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 75.5.10.74 |
1. I have achieved supremacy over several small planets circling various stars in Galaxy SDF J132522.3+273520. 2. I would purchase for Weber a silver skeletal rabbit mask that completely covers the head. When he put it on, several small steel bolts would shoot out and fuse themselves to his skull. Weber would have to go through the rest of his life with this silvery rabbit-skull mask on, with ears so large, he'd have to duck beneath every doorway he entered or exited. From Weber, i'd want the complete Michael Bay collection on DVD, with tons of extras, a collection to include all the future horror movies he has yet to remake and release. Merry Xmas! | ||
| Carolinec (Carolinec) Username: Carolinec Registered: 06-2009 Posted From: 82.38.75.85 |
For Craig, I'd buy a copy of the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People". For Weber, bearing in mind recent comments on another thread (is it the "thought for the day" one?), it'd be a pair of large size knitted willie warmers (does anyone remember willie warmers - I think they were all the rage in the 80s or something like that?). Hey, why are Craig and Weber getting all the presents? | ||
| Alexicon (Alexicon) Username: Alexicon Registered: 10-2009 Posted From: 88.106.82.173 |
Caroline. you are not a mere nobody.To me,you glide up there among the stars,disseminating wisdom to the universe.Although your comments about wilson-warmers somewhat tarnished your image. Craig,dude, wonderful stuff,as expected.Poor old Weber. Hopefully,he'll accept your gift gracefully and begin scouring charity shops for your Michael Bay collection. | ||
| Alexicon (Alexicon) Username: Alexicon Registered: 10-2009 Posted From: 88.106.82.173 |
Oh,Caroline,a very special gift for you: an 18-carat gold,jewel-encrusted megaphone,enabling your dulcet tones to be heard more clearly on this board. | ||
| Seanmcd (Seanmcd) Username: Seanmcd Registered: 03-2009 Posted From: 86.153.165.191 |
A vat of hot mulled wine for Stephen Walsh. Consumed via rubber tubing into, up, around and down every orifice. That stuff is so very sweet. We should have thrown caution to the wind and gone on an early Christmas bender mate ! | ||
| Huw (Huw) Username: Huw Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 218.168.178.226 |
For Alexicon: special magic glasses that enable him to see clearly (and perhaps even catch) those annoying fleeting figures on the edge of his vision... | ||
| Alexicon (Alexicon) Username: Alexicon Registered: 10-2009 Posted From: 88.106.82.173 |
D'you know,Huw,I'm beginning to wonder if those fleeting peripheral figures are actually downmarket manifestations of RCMB members. At present they all seem to be wearing Santa suits...I think. Your magic glasses may well solve the problem. | ||
| Weber_gregston (Weber_gregston) Username: Weber_gregston Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 194.176.105.56 |
Thank you for the willie warmers Caroline, much appreciated. Four and a half foot long please. It’s not as good as you’d think being endowed, you either have to tie it round your leg, in which case if you see an attractive lady in the street you lose the circulation to one foot, or let it dangle and when you see an attractive lady you end up doing a bad John Cleese Ministry of Funny Walks impression. Ah well, there are worse hells to endure. And thank you for the Donnie Darko rabbit mask Craig, I shall wear it with pride. Rather than Michael Bay films, I think I’ll get you a corrective therapy kit. It consists of electrodes which are permanently attached to the most sensitive parts of the body and a sensor which detects any time you think about Michael Bay or his films. As soon as it detects these thoughts, it sends a massive electric shock through your nipples, scrotum, ears, armpits and duodenum. In no time at all, your taste in movies will improve massively. This reminds me of when I were a lad, it were close to Christmas and I asked my father, “Father, can I have a motorbike for Christmas?” He said to me, “Son… Is your cock long enough that if you stretch it through your legs it touches your arsehole?” I thought for a moment and said, “No Father, it is not.” He said, “In that case Son, you may not have a motorbike for Christmas.” A few months later and it were close to my birthday and I asked him, “Father, may I have a motorbike for my birthday?” He said to me, “Son… Is your cock long enough that if you stretch it through your legs it touches your arsehole?” I said, “No Father, it is not.” He said, “In that case Son, you may not have a motorbike for your birthday.” So I went out and bought all the equipment I could find, pumps and creams that are supposed to make it bigger. I hung weights off it and did everything I could and when it was close to Christmas again, it was big enough. So I asked my father again, “Father, may I have a motorbike for Christmas?” He said to me, “Son… Is your cock long enough that if you stretch it through your legs it touches your arsehole?” I said, “Yes father, it is.” And he replied, “In that case son… …you can go fuck yourself.” | ||
| Weber_gregston (Weber_gregston) Username: Weber_gregston Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 194.176.105.56 |
By the way caroline, I would get you a lovely fuzzy warm pair of bunny rabbit slippers. | ||
| Stephen Walsh (Stephenw) Username: Stephenw Registered: 03-2009 Posted From: 194.32.31.1 |
Sean, the mulled wine went down a treat! For you a flagon of spiced poteen with a few bits of fruit floating in it all set alight to create a pretty blue flame. ...and a tinsel wrapped bucket for after. | ||
| Carolinec (Carolinec) Username: Carolinec Registered: 06-2009 Posted From: 82.38.75.85 |
Aww, this thread is making me smile.  I'm all nice and warm now, huddled by the fireside with my warm bunny slippers from Weber and my jewel-encrusted megaphone from Alex so I don't have to shout so loud. Alex - I'll have to think of something special for you, but my brain's not working too well at the moment (anyone want to buy me a new brain?) I'd also get a year's supply of propolis for Mark Lynch and a year's supply of Lyrica for Huw. They'll understand that one - no need for details here. Also, a see-through negligee (should it have two e's?) for Frank. No, that's not for him to wear - it's for me to wear when I meet him. Or perhaps you'd like to wear it yourself, Frank? From everyone else, I'll just have a signed book please.  | ||
| Weber_gregston (Weber_gregston) Username: Weber_gregston Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 194.176.105.56 |
I wasn't sure if you'd like slippers made with real scooped out bunnies. Glad to know you like them...  | ||
| Carolinec (Carolinec) Username: Carolinec Registered: 06-2009 Posted From: 82.38.75.85 |
 I didn't realise that was what you meant - but I should have known, shouldn't I? You're a riot, Weber. | ||
| Weber_gregston (Weber_gregston) Username: Weber_gregston Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 194.176.105.56 |
Nice and warm though, freshly scooped. | ||
| Craig (Craig) Username: Craig Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 75.4.255.44 |
I've already read HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE - you can't tell, Caroline? Damn you?  I appreciate the gift, Weber, but - mm - nah, I have no desire to enjoy THE MIST, or dislike NAPOLEAN DYNAMITE. Here - [hands package back] - now you can re-gift it to someone else. If you object, and knowing now what I know about you and your father growing up, I'll just ask you the same question, and we'll cut to his same answer.  This is a delightful Christmas so far! I think I'll go get warm and moist by the fire, too, now.... | ||
| Alexicon (Alexicon) Username: Alexicon Registered: 10-2009 Posted From: 88.106.124.69 |
Caroline,you are remarkable. Despite your vehement claims to being a Nobody,we instinctively know that you are a secret sultana,with hoarded riches beyond imagination. But the very fact that you deign to mingle with us in the chav's enclosure is reason enough to engulf you with seasonal gifts. If Diana was the People's Princess,then you must be rightly viewed by us as the Scumbag's Sultana. No higher accolade can we simpletons offer you. Thus,in addition to your authentic rabbit-carcass slippers and megaphone,it gives me great pleasure to now present you with a mid-nineteenth century, inlaid pearl ear-trumpet - allowing you to hear with clarity the thoughtful,genteel voices on this thread. Could you not somehow find it in your heart to accept Weber's homage to his father? I would have thought that in the form of an illuminated parchment manuscript,it would,er... hang majestically above your Italian marble fireplace. PS I've heard suggestions that you're Ian Anderson's manager; others say you've ghost- scripted Dr. Who in the past. A Sultana indeed. | ||
| Huw (Huw) Username: Huw Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 218.168.185.47 |
That's a lovely thought, Caroline - thank you! What can I send you in return?  | ||
| Skunsworth (Skunsworth) Username: Skunsworth Registered: 05-2009 Posted From: 78.148.14.70 |
I have acheived a lot this year: new job, writing really taken off, many acceptances, etc. I'd buy Huw a new back and a plane ticket so that the two of us could finally get together for a drink after years of talking online! S | ||
| Carolinec (Carolinec) Username: Carolinec Registered: 06-2009 Posted From: 82.38.75.85 |
>>What can I send you in return?<< I think a new brain will do for me, Huw - one with good pain receptors which enable me to feel pain like normal people, and not magnified tenfold like this blasted one I have at the moment!  Alex - I think you're mixing me up with somebody else! Anyway, I've thought of something for you too - a special magic cape which means that no-one will recognise you when you wear it, to preserve your anonymity. And for Des? Another magic cape, in this case to preserve your nemonimity. | ||
| Des (Des) Username: Des Registered: 06-2008 Posted From: 81.155.107.64 |
I hate Christmas. There's a pub nearby in Walton-on-the-Naze where, at Christmas, curmudgeons like me can go and nobody mentions Christmas and there are no decorations. And Alexicon needs an Atomic Fez not a magic cape. | ||
| Carolinec (Carolinec) Username: Carolinec Registered: 06-2009 Posted From: 82.38.75.85 |
>>There's a pub nearby in Walton-on-the-Naze where, at Christmas, curmudgeons like me can go and nobody mentions Christmas and there are no decorations. << Ha! I could do with a place like that too. I'm a regular Scrooge at Christmas. Funny thing is though, this year I haven't started getting grumpy about it all yet - it still seems a long way off! (it isn't, I know) Maybe I'm starting to mellow?  | ||
| Frank (Frank) Username: Frank Registered: 09-2008 Posted From: 188.146.82.78 |
What on earth is this thread about? | ||
| Ian Alexander Martin (Iam) Username: Iam Registered: 10-2009 Posted From: 64.180.64.74 |
You mean like this?  But why would he need one? Is he going to help me proof some of these ARCs I keep wading my way through in preparation for March? | ||
| Alexicon (Alexicon) Username: Alexicon Registered: 10-2009 Posted From: 88.106.127.76 |
Frank, I think this thread is about...erm... Are you familiar with the dreaded, Firm's Christmas "outing",the Works "do",the Institution's annual "function"? One attends them,more in hope than expectation. One gets oneself ponced up,thinking 'This might be fun,some social intercourse with the guys and gals - few drinks,some two-way joshing,nudge some of the career-fixated line-managers away from their mindsets,have a restrained knees-up with the canteen ladies. Yes,it WILL be a good night.' Five hours later,you return home totally pissed off,because all you've been hearing about is work,work,work and more bloody work. I think this thread in an antidote to all that. And His Naughtiness below seems to get it.Artful promotion too there,Ian. Right,Ian,Your Naughtiness,don't panic about the proofs; I'll be right on it after the primeval piss-ups have finished here.Encrypted e-mails as usual,you rogue. Huw: remiss of me not to thank you for the glasses,but I do so now. I opened the package early,and - bingo they worked! Having a surfeit of hair,it turned out that the fleeting figures I was seeing were in fact stray strands visible from the corners of the eyes. Thank you again. My slush fund is at your disposal: is there anything you would like for Christmas? | ||
| Allybird (Allybird) Username: Allybird Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 80.47.27.75 |
Ian is always full of naughtiness and long may he continue...so... a good present for him would be the wonderful travelling theatre from THE IMAGINARIUM OF DOCTOR PARNASSUS - hard to fit it into his stocking though. I want something for Ramsey. I want him to have a day again that he shared with his friend, Robert Aickman....extended to talk about all the things they didn't get a chance to. | ||
| Alexicon (Alexicon) Username: Alexicon Registered: 10-2009 Posted From: 88.106.127.76 |
Nice one,Ally! Good to see another sultana getting down and dirty with the spivs. | ||
| Allybird (Allybird) Username: Allybird Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 80.47.27.75 |
I think of us all being equal...so why don't we all suggest presents for each other? | ||
| Carolinec (Carolinec) Username: Carolinec Registered: 06-2009 Posted From: 82.38.75.85 |
>>I think of us all being equal...so why don't we all suggest presents for each other?<< That's the way I've been doing it, Ally - I'm no sultana! (a raisin, maybe, but definitely not a sultana ) Frank - don't worry about it lad. I think we've just all opened the eggnog a bit too soon, that's all. | ||
| Des (Des) Username: Des Registered: 06-2008 Posted From: 81.155.107.64 |
I get drunk on a single babycham. | ||
| Alexicon (Alexicon) Username: Alexicon Registered: 10-2009 Posted From: 88.106.98.142 |
Being serious now,Ally. What I would like to receive from you this Christmas would be an advance copy of your next magnum opus. I'm sure there is one in the pipeline,but how far along? And will it top BRFG? Not so serious: What the hell can I get you? I know women like personal,intimate presents,which is why I've bought my own dear lady a combine harvester for Christmas. But I don't know you well enough for that kind of intimate gesture. So a suggestion please. |