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Tony (Tony)
Username: Tony

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 86.143.134.223
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 10:55 am:   

Does anyone here have anything they feel is about to affect their lives badly, or even just miserably?
We were at a friend's house last week. Now it's my wife's friends, really. The dad is stepdad to one of the kids and they hate each other's guts. It's creating distance between them all. The wife's dad has dementia. My wife's dad has dementia. Everyone is broke. Last week I sat upstairs with the blokes and because the friend's hubby had the footy on nobody spoke. Five hours of maybe a few words exchanged. It was like the grave. Downstairs I just couldn't get into the conversation. Last night we had a friend around and me and my wife sort of were at loggerheads about things, me feeling like a loser and she more or less knowing it. The friend spent about 80% of his time texting or playing with his phone.
Another aspect of my life is that I still hate our oldest son't girlfriend, and don't get on with him massively. They used to come round, but seem to have stopped.
It feels like everything is falling apart.
Do people get on anymore? I don't remember times like this when I was a kid...
Shit, actually I do. My mum and dad rowed non-stop, fell out with people all the time.
Do people actually have nice lives these days? I'm starting to feel like the guy out of Butterfly Effect, that maybe it's me...
:-(
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Ramsey Campbell (Ramsey)
Username: Ramsey

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 195.93.21.68
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 11:20 am:   

Yes, people still do. Let's hear it for Pete and Nicky Crowther and Lord John and Lady Kate, among many others. And indeed Jenny and me and our offspring and their partners.

On the other hand, my parents' marriage was a textbook case of the opposite - so equally, there have always been such instances (many, I suspect).
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 09-2010
Posted From: 86.169.43.224
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 11:37 am:   

I, too, have a happy life, retired, creative (for the time being), among people I love and who love me etc ... but, meanwhile, it is easy to colour everything with the default darkness that tends to infect the internet, its blogs and its people, despite some brighter sparks here and there.
It is difficult to talk about one's own happy life - because some believe they would be tempting fate or tempting other human frailties, internal and external, mental and physical, that wait around the corner for all of us ... one day.
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Mark_lynch (Mark_lynch)
Username: Mark_lynch

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 217.171.129.73
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 12:17 pm:   

One of my dad's sayings: We're always in the shit, only the depth differs.

My brother's partner's just told him she's leaving him, taking their 3-year-old son with her. From Huddersfield to Plymouth. Jesus.
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Zed (Gary_mc)
Username: Gary_mc

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 195.166.117.210
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 12:19 pm:   

Tony, it sounds to me that you need to get some new friends. Seriously.

The people I choose to spend time with make me happy - my wonderful little family, the few friends I keep close and see regularly, even my neighbours are pretty cool.
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Gary Fry (Gary_fry)
Username: Gary_fry

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 82.26.213.180
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 12:23 pm:   

But there's also me, Zed - the pesky fly in your slimy ointment.
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Zed (Gary_mc)
Username: Gary_mc

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 195.166.117.210
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 12:29 pm:   

I love you best of all, mate.
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Gary Fry (Gary_fry)
Username: Gary_fry

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 82.26.213.180
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 12:31 pm:   

Try and have a laugh, Tony.
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Gary Fry (Gary_fry)
Username: Gary_fry

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 82.26.213.180
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 12:32 pm:   

Oi, McMahon, keep your distance! I heard about you from the vice squad!
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Stevie Walsh (Stephenw)
Username: Stephenw

Registered: 03-2009
Posted From: 194.32.31.1
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 12:47 pm:   

Throw yourself into your work for FADA, Tony... I still say you're Mulder to my Scully!
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Tony (Tony)
Username: Tony

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 86.141.211.138
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 01:35 pm:   

Zed - I find it harder and harder to make friends as I get older. Who wants to befriend some gloomy fat bloke? Especially one already hindered with pip-sized esteem.
I feel like I've entered the domain of the Jonah, but suppose I've brought it on myself with life-long cowardice.
I suppose my question in my first post should have read 'What do YOU sense looming in your life?'. It need not be the sort of things I've mentioned.
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Zed (Gary_mc)
Username: Gary_mc

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 195.166.117.210
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 01:58 pm:   

Tony, it's all in your own hands. You either jump into life or stand around on the sidelines moping.

Like GF says...just have a laugh. The ability to laugh at life is fucking priceless.
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Carolinec (Carolinec)
Username: Carolinec

Registered: 06-2009
Posted From: 92.232.199.129
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 01:59 pm:   

Hmmm, I'm a strange case I guess - everything seems back-to-front with me. When I was healthy, young and should have been carefree I was utterly miserable (probably thanks to all kinds of horrible childhood stuff haunting me, along with my tendency to hook up with the wrong kind of man). As soon as I found the right kind of man who helped me turn my life around (by that time I was not only miserable but almost an alcoholic too), then I became very ill physically.

But now, despite my health problems, I'm happier than I've ever been. OK, I know there are difficult times around the corner, but they don't bother me like they used to do. I can cope, I know I can. Life is very good indeed as far as I'm concerned.

But Tony, you do sound very down. That saddens me considerably. I don't know what FADA is but maybe Stevie is right? You do need to throw yourself into something - your writing, perhaps? I guess that's why I actually feel happier nowadays - I feel I have a purpose and a desire to enjoy my life. Somehow, you need to get that feeling too, Tony. I hope you can find it.
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Tony (Tony)
Username: Tony

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 86.141.211.138
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 02:05 pm:   

Zed - I just feel like I've burrowed deep inside my shell and lost all these faculties. I feel like I've shrunk.
Thanks Caroline - it's odd, but people have had worse situations than mine and seem ok. Nothing particularly has happened to me and I feel like this wreck.
It passes, but I wish it'd pass a bit quicker sometimes.
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Zed (Gary_mc)
Username: Gary_mc

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 195.166.117.210
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 02:05 pm:   

Yeah, I went through all that crap in my 20s - tried to drink myself to death - then, in my 30s I realised that life could be fun. Now I'm happier than ever, working hard on doing the things I can't live without and trying to focus on the good stuff. I have depressive spells every now and then, but just sit them out.

Fuck it - life's for living.
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Zed (Gary_mc)
Username: Gary_mc

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 195.166.117.210
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 02:07 pm:   

That was a respone to Caroline...

Tony, we're a long time dead (as my Nana used to say), so we have to fight against the black tide.
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Carolinec (Carolinec)
Username: Carolinec

Registered: 06-2009
Posted From: 92.232.199.129
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 02:23 pm:   

It takes a lot of conscious effort though, doesn't it, to actually turn your life around? I can't recall exactly what I did which helped, but I know it was very much a conscious decision on my part to change my life. In a way it feels like I've had two lives - the bad early one and the good late one.
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Zed (Gary_mc)
Username: Gary_mc

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 195.166.117.210
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 02:24 pm:   

I had to move away to London to find out what life was all about...luckily, that's where I met my missus. There have been tough times since (really fucking tough, some of them), but sometimes you have to take the punches along with the kisses.
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Stevie Walsh (Stephenw)
Username: Stephenw

Registered: 03-2009
Posted From: 194.32.31.1
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 03:32 pm:   

I find embracing the ridiculous and revelling in it helps a lot... try listening to Frank Zappa or The Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band, it'll chase the blues away every time.
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 09-2010
Posted From: 86.169.43.224
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 03:47 pm:   

I think everyone has their own methods, and with music, it is the opposite of Stevie's method - as I seek out music like Das Lied Von Der Erde or, just as an example, that Kronos Quartet: Doom: A Sigh that Tony was so worried about on another thread. That type of music helps me come to terms with sadness and possible depression and anxiety.
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Ramsey Campbell (Ramsey)
Username: Ramsey

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 195.93.21.68
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 04:27 pm:   

Spike Milligan used to say that when he was depressed (which he was often, clinically, I believe) it was a good time to listen to Brahms.
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Jonathan (Jonathan)
Username: Jonathan

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 91.143.178.131
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 04:31 pm:   

I think that Milligan sang quite eloquently of the best coping mechanism here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0EBIZahkig
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Zed (Gary_mc)
Username: Gary_mc

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 81.96.253.77
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 05:44 pm:   

How could anyone watch that and not feel at peace with the world.
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Des (Des)
Username: Des

Registered: 09-2010
Posted From: 86.169.43.224
Posted on Friday, March 11, 2011 - 06:12 pm:   

Brahms Symphonies, indeed, Ramsey, when push comes to shove, are the optimum cure for life.
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Joel (Joel)
Username: Joel

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 91.110.210.173
Posted on Saturday, March 12, 2011 - 01:55 am:   

Tony, take it easy.

Life is all about fighting not necessarily fighting people, and certainly not fighting the people you love, but fighting disease, fear, ignorance and the ravages of time. Depression is never something you can 'snap out of' like you were taking off a pair of shoes and walking on without them. It's a deep and corrosive state of mind that arises from a sense of personal failure and isolation. The way to fight it is to recognise where the feelings come from and address those causes.

Here's an initial suggestion: there's a major demonstration in London on the 26th against the brutal and unjust public service cuts that are planned. Go along to it! Or failing that, join a local anti-cuts campaign.

Depression is a natural reaction to a sense of helplessness and lack of worth. But we are not helpless or worthless. The first step is to challenge all the ways we are told that we are. The second step is to link up with others. And perhaps, in time, we can end up changing the society that demands 99% of people 'fail' so that 1% can 'succeed'. If they can do that in Egypt, we can do it here.

The destruction of the NHS and the public services our grandparents fought for is the darkness that I see looming on the horizon. It's only weeks or months away. These cuts will see most libraries, youth clubs, day-care centres, arts centres and Citizens' Advice Bureaus shut down, and millions of people put out of work and denied housing benefit at the same time. All just to make sure that the bankers who caused the economic crisis go on getting their tax-free bonuses. This government has scrapped the tax on bankers' bonuses. It has cut staffing levels at the Inland Revenue, despite the fact that we lose 20 billion a year in uncollected taxes and another 100 billion a year through tax evasion. The government has also decreed that hospital safety should not be regulated because competiton between hospitals will ensure that unsafe hospitals lose business. And where people have lost their jobs due to public service cuts, they won't qualify for housing benefit unless they live in shared houses or hostels. So millions of people will lose their homes, while the directors of banks take home million-pound bonuses that we paid for. We paid out 1.2 trillion to save the banks, and now they're pocketing huge chunks of it for themselves while our essential services are cut to ribbons.

If you know that is wrong, start fighting against it now.
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Joel (Joel)
Username: Joel

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 91.110.183.129
Posted on Saturday, March 12, 2011 - 02:03 am:   

P.S. More immediate remedies for depression in Laneworld include Road Runner cartoons, border ballads, karaoke and fresh soup. Anything that puts you in touch with sensation, reminds you of the absurdity of our society or affirms the passion of human life.
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Craig (Craig)
Username: Craig

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 99.126.164.88
Posted on Saturday, March 12, 2011 - 06:37 am:   

Tony, I come bearing good news. You need never be unhappy again. Not ever:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKcqu8-bKmc
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Protodroid (Protodroid)
Username: Protodroid

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 109.79.105.66
Posted on Saturday, March 12, 2011 - 11:31 pm:   

"Depression is a natural reaction to a sense of helplessness and lack of worth."

And sometimes it has a biochemical basis and has nothing to do with external stimuli or even our conscious thoughts. The causes can be complex but the cure is partly mental, but partly physical too. It's about improving your neuro-chemistry which will improve your mood which will improve your neuro-chemistry, and so on in a virtuous cycle.

Use every arrow in your quiver. One of the most overlooked and effective ways of improving biochemistry is moderate physical exercise. (I stress moderate as over-exercising can depress the immune system and increase depression).
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Carolinec (Carolinec)
Username: Carolinec

Registered: 06-2009
Posted From: 92.232.199.129
Posted on Sunday, March 13, 2011 - 10:35 pm:   

>>It's about improving your neuro-chemistry which will improve your mood which will improve your neuro-chemistry, and so on in a virtuous cycle.<<

Talking of which, just came across this:
http://www.laughteryoga.co.uk/index.asp?selpage=health.htm

Laughter yoga, eh? It's been a lot of years since I've been able to bend my legs into the lotus position, but a good belly laugh is still just about within my capabilities ..
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Carole Johnstone (Carolej)
Username: Carolej

Registered: 04-2010
Posted From: 92.29.157.210
Posted on Friday, March 18, 2011 - 12:15 am:   

I think it's a very short step from fine to not fine- you certainly shouldn't feel bad about feeling bad, Tony, if that makes sense. And you certainly shouldn't feel bad about saying so. Just let people help you when they offer to. And even if that just means talking about it here, then keep on doing it.
It sounds twee, but things always look up in the end, I've found. Everything goes in cycles: good and bad. It can just be very hard to believe that when it's the bad.
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Gary Fry (Gary_fry)
Username: Gary_fry

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 82.26.213.180
Posted on Friday, March 18, 2011 - 11:34 am:   

I still think cultivating a sense of humour is the best way of coping with life. That doesn't preclude fighting to change what troubles us, but it's good fuel for doing so.
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Gary Fry (Gary_fry)
Username: Gary_fry

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 82.26.213.180
Posted on Friday, March 18, 2011 - 11:34 am:   

Essential fuel, probably.
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Mark West (Mark_west)
Username: Mark_west

Registered: 03-2008
Posted From: 217.39.177.173
Posted on Friday, March 18, 2011 - 11:54 am:   

Can't add much to what's already here, apart from to echo - you need to change the people around, friends especially (if someone in your company is spending 80% of his time on his phone, there's no need for you to be together).

Depression can sneak up on any of us, but the act of realising it is what can allow us to get away from it. That you can see all of this - and quantify it so well - means that you're probably ready to start taking steps.

I hope life brightens for you.

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