| Author | Message | ||
     Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 87.102.45.220 |
I just got this email.. Mr. Swain: Hello. My name is Claire Johnson and I work for a literary agency in New York. We're expanding our agency and client list, looking for innovative literary fiction and creative non-fiction writers. One of our agents here enjoyed your fiction for Thieves Jargon (and found your bio hysterical) and was wondering if you had any full-length prose work completed or in the process of being completed If you are already ably represented, forgive us and all the best with your writing career. If not, you can send your query to queries@irenegoodman.com, ATTN: CLAIRE. Thanks. We look forward to hearing from you. Regards, Claire Johnson Assistant to Jon Sternfel -- The Irene Goodman Literary Agency 80 Fifth Avenue Suite 1101 New York, NY 10011 I repeat, I'm scared! | ||
| Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 87.102.45.220 |
Pah! The company isn't real! Look... http://www.irenegoodman.com/about.php All the people who run it have fake faces! I recognise some of them from HAWK THE SLAYER. Nice try, fake people. | ||
| Joel (Joel) Username: Joel Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 81.148.95.243 |
Looks real to me, if a bit PR-heavy. Why would someone create a spoof publisher website that isn't funny? And did HAWK THE SLAYER have all its characters standing in front of bookcases? | ||
| Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 87.102.45.220 |
Yes, yes, and...yes. And yes. And no. Are you scared too? Do you suppose if I don't join their "organisation" that they'll come and get me? Because I have really smelly closets and if they hid there as a preamble to leaping forth on me with HAWK THE SLAYER faces they might think less of me...cos of said smelly closets. | ||
| Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 87.102.45.220 |
Consider the text block they read... http://www.thievesjargon.com/workview.php?work=601 What human would see that as a sign of literary talent? Huh! I'll tell you, no human I know of. Dangermouse, maybe? Huh! | ||
| Protodroid (Protodroid) Username: Protodroid Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 89.19.82.82 |
I think they're the ones who should be scared. Bless their innocence. They love your comedy stylings. They think you're acting. Go for it! Use your big writing machine that drills inside and turns their brains into black meaty snow! | ||
| Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 87.102.45.220 |
Yo-ho hah! (that's my new laugh. what's the big problem? Ok! I'll drop it! sheesh.) I wish I had anything longer in that style to send them. I fear they would indeed turn into this black meaty snow. | ||
| Protodroid (Protodroid) Username: Protodroid Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 89.19.82.82 |
Seriously, go for it. Just be yourself in your writing. You've a genuinely original talent that needs to get out there. Turning on the black light bulb! Release the snails! | ||
| Protodroid (Protodroid) Username: Protodroid Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 89.19.82.82 |
Maybe you won't take seriously a message that ends with "Release the snails" but really, go for it. Inflate the lunch! Bugger. | ||
| Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 87.102.45.220 |
Awwww. I feel all shy. I feel like I want to melt blue plastic onto my face and walk around singing the Dr Who theme. As the ambulance slowly turns around and quietly leaves the car park....HEY! do you mind? I'm trying to write here!...the snails realised they would have to walk to the banquet after all...YOU STILL HERE? | ||
| Gary Fry (Gary_fry) Username: Gary_fry Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 82.3.65.135 |
Are you sure it hasn't been set up by Griff? :<0 | ||
| Gary Fry (Gary_fry) Username: Gary_fry Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 82.3.65.135 |
Tell the chavs that you have a literary agent. They might go home and look up the word "literary" and then speak to you the next day. Then, that evening, after they've looked up the word "agent", you might get some sodding respect. | ||
| Craig (Craig) Username: Craig Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 75.4.236.145 |
It seems like you got an agency trolling various - sites? blogs? whatever they are - looking for fresh new talent to rep. They're hoping you have a book-length work, which they'll read, and cover. Claire Johnson - the assistant to the agent - will undoubtedly be the one reading/covering it, so you should be nice to her... for all you know, she's the one who really discovered you to begin with... agents are much too busy to actually read anything, they read coverage... no, even that's too hard, they have coverage read to them (not an agent, but witness Sunset Boulevard - very little has changed).... Regardless: don't really know how it works in the literary world, but when agents come looking for YOU?... you do not question it... you send them whatever the !@#@! you have!... Write a novel this weekend, and send that, if you have to.... | ||
| Protodroid (Protodroid) Username: Protodroid Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 78.152.211.27 |
This could be one of those rare windows of opportunity through which you should squirt. Not literally, though. | ||
| Mick Curtis (Mick) Username: Mick Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 86.154.242.64 |
Albie! Do it, do it, do it! | ||
| Hubert (Hubert) Username: Hubert Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 78.22.225.22 |
They found your bio hysterical, so what can possibly go wrong? | ||
| Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 87.102.45.220 |
Writer's block that could house all the chavs in England? How can you get writer's block with surrealism? I don't know. I almost feel ashamed to have anything I've written on the web because I can't back it up with something more substantial. I'm like a whore who just likes to stand there. I'm a sick, sick whore. I'm a print tease. | ||
| Des (Des) Username: Des Registered: 06-2008 Posted From: 86.156.32.207 |
I'm a print tease. ========= I have the same problem. Still, no agent's ever approached me! (Still I've never approached any agents, either!) Go for it, Arnie, if you can. | ||
| Des (Des) Username: Des Registered: 06-2008 Posted From: 86.156.32.207 |
Sorry, ALBIE! | ||
| Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 87.102.45.220 |
Why don't you pretend to be me. Yes, that's the kind of thing we usually get up to. Us and our japes, eh? | ||
| Zed (Gary_mc) Username: Gary_mc Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 213.219.8.243 |
I'd go for it, Albs. What have you got to lose? Yopur sanity went years ago, and your hair is virtually non-existant... ;-) | ||
| Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 87.102.45.220 |
I have virtual hair now. If you'd worn the headset and the glove like I keep telling you then you'd know that. It's going to cost me a fortune to kit out the entire world! Yet the wig hurts my head! I really don't have anything to send them. I think my writing days are over. I'm pretty much averse to the idea of being published on any grand scale anyway. Maybe I'm just a smelly meany pants. I hate the idea of being involved...in things...that people are...involved in. Yes, that's it. | ||
| Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 87.102.45.220 |
Receiving that email did make me feel...in a way that I've only ever felt in a dream once. The feeling of being...wanted. Am I that sick now? | ||
| Gary Fry (Gary_fry) Username: Gary_fry Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 82.3.65.135 |
>>>I hate the idea of being involved...in things...that people are...involved in. Get published by the small press, then. No change of any engagement with readers. | ||
| Craig (Craig) Username: Craig Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 75.5.5.52 |
This is the point in those old movies where someone would grab you and slap you across the face and say, "Get a hold of yourself!" You've got to stop thinking about it. You have to look at it like doing your laundry. You don't vex and angst and grind your teeth on laundry day, do you? Thinking: But the clothes will only get dirty again!... What if I can't properly measure the detergent?... And what about the fabric softener? - My God! WHAT ABOUT THE FABRIC SOFTENER?!? No. It's just a grueling unrewarding chore and you do it. You have to look at these things like this, too, Albie. Because - the good part for you - if you expect too much?... You'll be f*cked if it comes to nothing... so do it, and literally, forget all about it.... | ||
| Joel (Joel) Username: Joel Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 81.148.95.243 |
In fact it's just like a message board: a few people reading each other's words. Only using paper, the way they used to when there was a publishing industry. In those days books were quite cheap and sold in thousands of copies through bookshops. Hard to imagine. These days, even when the stories are original, the books as objects are pastiches: they allow us to mimic the 'buying a book' and 'reading a book' experience the way it used to be. Don't mind me. I'm old and tired.  | ||
| Joel (Joel) Username: Joel Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 81.148.95.243 |
My reaction was to Gary's post, of course. Craig's is much more to the point. Pay attention to him. On this occasion. | ||
| Des (Des) Username: Des Registered: 06-2008 Posted From: 86.156.32.207 |
Joel: In fact it's just like a message board: a few people reading each other's words. Only using paper, the way they used to when there was a publishing industry. In those days books were quite cheap and sold in thousands of copies through bookshops. Hard to imagine. These days, even when the stories are original, the books as objects are pastiches: they allow us to mimic the 'buying a book' and 'reading a book' experience the way it used to be. ================= Very astute. Good to see it expressed. That's why I do what I do and don't do. des PS: Albie, grasp the nettle! | ||
| Craig (Craig) Username: Craig Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 75.5.4.117 |
On all occasions!  They're looking, I'm sure, for a new Stephanie Meyer, Albie. Is that you?... | ||
| Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 87.102.81.183 |
I'm scared for a different reason now. I'm in a community centre doing forced voluntary work behind the desk in the IT suite. A drunk couple came in and I let them use a computer. he starts looking at porn. The boss man tells me that I have to not let anyone in under the influence. Throw them out. I came her to do IT and now I'm working in security. | ||
| Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 87.102.81.183 |
I travelled to work today with a horrible feeling or trepidation that I couldn't account for. Now I know why. | ||
| Craig (Craig) Username: Craig Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 75.5.15.220 |
... If he's looking at porn, what's she doing?... Well, anyway, they sound like a lovely couple, who like to spend the day doing things together. It's sweet. Let 'em stay. Gives me hope that true romance is still possible in this crazy world.... | ||
| Gary Fry (Gary_fry) Username: Gary_fry Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 82.3.65.135 |
Some guy just emailed me asking to become a member of the board: sez he was in a community centre today and looking at porn, but that he'd chanced upon this site by mistake and found Albie's message above. Be very afraid. | ||
| Huw (Huw) Username: Huw Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 218.168.179.6 |
Go for it, Albie! Unleash those scrawny suitcase-legs on them... ;-) Seriously though, I'd give it a shot. As others have said, there's nothing to lose and potentially a lot to gain. | ||
| Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 87.102.81.183 |
Haha- Gary. Huw. I think they want novels. Mind, They are just a literary agent. A go between, if you will, to any potential publisher. No. I hate myself far too much to indulge in this kind of thing. Anyway, I drew a really good picture of a zombie this morning...and I wasn't even looking at a zombie...they don't pose for life classes generally. Yes, I'm back in the community centre. Surrounded by potential stabbers. | ||
| Mark_lynch (Mark_lynch) Username: Mark_lynch Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 212.74.96.200 |
Albs, trust me, this could well be a look back on your death-bed and regret moments if you don't go for something of it. Uh, hunt out Geoff Nicholson's FLESH GUITAR in your library; it'll give you an idea about putting togetehr a patch-up novel from your short shorts. It's not an impossible thing. But at the very least do get in touch with the agent and tell them you're working on something long though don't have a schedule for completion. Just don't ignore this and close the door. Wedge it open at the very least. | ||
| Joel (Joel) Username: Joel Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 217.37.199.45 |
Go for it Albie. Some things can't be analysed and put in place before you do them: you just have to do them. It's nothing you can't withdraw from if you need to. We're all behind you (though you might prefer to keep your back to the wall). | ||
| Gary Fry (Gary_fry) Username: Gary_fry Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 82.3.65.135 |
Albie, you have a choice: avoid the game and get screwed, or join in the game and get screwed. At least in the latter case, they may pay you a little compensation. Yours, Positive Thinking Guru | ||
| Craig (Craig) Username: Craig Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 75.4.227.127 |
Hey, I can ghost write it for you, Albie. Let me just slit my throat here... like so... there. I'll see you tonight.  | ||
| Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 212.50.191.46 |
Chortle. I emailed them a photo of a cat. Will that do? | ||
| Des (Des) Username: Des Registered: 06-2008 Posted From: 86.156.32.207 |
You should have sent a cone. | ||
| Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 212.50.191.46 |
 A cat cone? | ||
| Mark_lynch (Mark_lynch) Username: Mark_lynch Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 212.74.96.200 |
Joel's comment about having backs to the wall for some reason reminds me of John Major, the invisible Prime Minister. "When the Conservative Party's back's against the wall it turns around and starts fighting." You can't do any worse than that, Albs. And yup, you know plenty of us will be happy to give any long work you have or produce a once-over, help you out with our thunking if you fancy. | ||
| Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 195.195.236.131 |
Write? When I can draw naked zombies all day long?  | ||
| Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 195.195.236.131 |
Cwor! Look at the tattering flesh on that leg! | ||
| Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 195.195.236.131 |
This one needs to grow on you...  | ||
| Protodroid (Protodroid) Username: Protodroid Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 78.152.210.229 |
Those are great. What medium is the second one in? Food colouring on church flagstone? Lipstick on stretched windsock? | ||
| Tony (Tony) Username: Tony Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 81.129.151.24 |
William Gibson had only written three stories when he got approached by a publisher. It scared him and then he wrote this book, Nueromancer, as a result. | ||
| Tony (Tony) Username: Tony Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 81.129.151.24 |
That agency looks as far from your stuff as can be imagined, btw. Wonder which of them liked your stuff? It makes me think you should approach others for a while and see what happens. | ||
| Craig (Craig) Username: Craig Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 75.5.6.220 |
You only have to worry when the agency sends you razor blades with their query, writing: "We trust you know what to do for publicity." | ||
| Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 87.102.81.183 |
Oil paint on back of ready meal cardboard packaging. Sweet and Sour, I think. The way I see it, he's waiting for her to return as a zombie. >>You only have to worry when the agency sends you razor blades with their query, writing: "We trust you know what to do for publicity." You know about my conviction then? If I had substantial material to send them I would. I've given up writing. It doesn't enlighten me. I want to take horror into the real world, where it belongs. | ||
| Tony (Tony) Username: Tony Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 81.129.151.24 |
U could promise them a book of shorts, and tell them you work slow. Zombie romance sounds interesting. And new. | ||
| Joel (Joel) Username: Joel Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 217.37.199.45 |
As Mark Samuels has noted elsewhere, the existing classic of zombie romance is NIGHT OF THE GIVING HEAD. | ||
| Tony (Tony) Username: Tony Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 81.129.151.24 |
The idea is making me want to write such a thing. The possibilities! Waking next to a smelly partner, finding bits of them in the bath and sink. Hang on! | ||
| Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 87.102.81.183 |
Would you bathe? How about going to the lav? All that pushing might dislodge a plug of rotting ass pipe. | ||
| Tony (Tony) Username: Tony Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 81.129.151.24 |
I think Matheson wrote a zombie love story once. About a man who had a stinky girlfriend who he discovered was a corpse. | ||
| Albie (Albie) Username: Albie Registered: 03-2008 Posted From: 87.102.90.30 |
Wasn't LOVEMAN'S COMEBACK about zombie sex? I wasn't sure. That's one of his darkest tales, for me. Grim upon grim. |